Survivor: Worlds Apart

Survivor: Rollercoasters

Hey, welcome back. It’s go-time. This is going to be a make or break episode… I can feel it. Last week, I put the majority of my opening on Mike and his bull in the china shop-style of play is somewhat enduring. This week, it’s time to look at the yang to Mike’s yin.

Whereas Mike has used the brute force of willpower to make it to this point (albeit sometimes very clumsily), Carolyn has been the cold-blooded killer. In the classic movie The Sting, awesome villain Robert Shaw orders the hit on Robert Redford by the mysterious “Salino” who we assume throughout the movie is a male. In the end, it turns out to be the weak but sassy waitress that Robert Redford had been..nail…making lo….whatever you want to call it with.

Carolyn is our Salino this season. On the surface, she doesn’t look that threatening, but as we have seen this season, she is as cold-blooded a player as we have this season. She has not thought twice about taking on anybody in this game.

I think we are going to have a historically awful, bitter jury this season who are not going to consider gameplay or strategy, and it seems based on that, that Carolyn perhaps has ruffled some feathers along her way this season, or at least that’s what appears to be the vibe so far. Maybe tonight Carolyn will get an opportunity to shine and make a definitive move that the jury will have to take notice of. I think that moment will come depending on what happens tonight with the immunity challenge.

If Mike doesn’t win immunity, then the decision seems easy that Mike will be voted out. If Mike does win immunity, well then, Carolyn could be the next major target that the rest of the players gun for. The strange thing is that I don’t think Mike will gun for Carolyn if he wins immunity. I think he is set on getting Dan out for reasons that aren’t completely clear from a strategy standpoint.

Once you get past Carolyn and Mike, the drop off to who really should win this game plummets dramatically, and yes, I know that opinion is subjective, but screw it. I will stand by it saying that this season will be a travesty if either Mike or Carolyn doesn’t win this season. I mean, for god’s sake, Rodney is about to break the all-time Survivor record with nineteen plans in a row going the exact opposite way than he wanted it to go. He’s a bee sting away from being Martin Short in Pure Luck:

With that said, it 8 pm Portland, Oregon time, so let’s see how this plays out tonight!

8 pm

Previously on Survivor, Tyler got the boot, and to me, he seems like he’s our only chance to be the voice of reason on the jury that will probably resemble 12 Angry Men (without the uncomfortable racism of that time).

Next week, I will write the definitive passive-aggressive piece on bitter juries and how awful they are.

8:01 pm

After the Tyler vote, we join the gang in the aftermath. Mike states the obvious that he is the next to go unless he wins immunity or finds another idol.

This is followed by Dan stating the obvious that Mike is the target.

8:03 pm

Carolyn calls Dan the “biggest threat in the game” because of his advantage…Let’s be honest, is there any scenario in which it is possible for Dan to be able to do anything in this game, even with his “special power”? I say no.

8:04 pm

Carolyn explains to Mike what Dan’s special power is, and Mike reacts like he’s in the bizarro world of Twin Peaks, completely flummoxed.

Mike and Carolyn appear to make a very shaky alliance. Carolyn points out to the viewers that, of course, Mike will be voted out if he loses the immunity challenge and that she is only playing him.

Commercial:

Is it weird that sometimes I watch rollercoaster videos on YouTube for extended periods of time? Like, I really can’t explain why either. I just get lost in the YouTube vortex of watching rollercoaster video after rollercoaster video and it’s not as if I’m one of those rollercoaster enthusiasts. I just watch different big rides from all around the country with no rhyme or reason.

For some reason, I feel like this is getting me into that category of person you never want to find yourself in, that category of single men that are a little too excited about theme parks and actually go alone to Disneyland, who always have way too much information about each ride. Plus, as a kid, I was the biggest pansy when it came to riding rides with “big drops”. Basically, whenever I have ever gone on a rollercoaster I’ve been this girl 100 percent of the time:

I think it’s some relaxing coping skill I use for stress management, but when I think about it like that, it sounds even creepier, and now I really hate myself. Just ignore this section.

8:09 pm

Back from commercial and it’s time for the reward challenge. Is this the week that Rodney breaks his losing streak? The winner gets a helicopter ride and a surf and turf meal.

8:10 pm

It’s Dan, Sierra, and Rodney vs. Mike, Carolyn, and Will….I think Mike’s team is the favorite here…poor Rodney who, prior to the start of this competition, was called out pretty hard by Probst, who basically was perplexed by Rodney’s entitlement. Every other player there was nodding very carefully.

8:14 pm

Both teams are completely stuck. Jeff disgustedly points out that this is the longest puzzle competition in the history of Survivor. He’s literally giving each team little hints…Next, he may turn into the drill sergeant from An Officer and a Gentleman to see who really wants to be in this game:

8:15 pm

Carolyn, Mike, and Will win the comp after sixteen different clues from Jeff. After the competition, Carolyn tortures Rodney by openly debating giving up her spot so Rodney can have the reward. Once again, she decides against it and Rodney looks shell-shocked.

Commercial:

Another really creepy thing I do sometimes is to think about reincarnation as a possibility for the meaning life. What I mean is, sometimes I get lost in the thought that the meaning of life is that you keep living life in every scenario possible: rich, poor, black, white, Asian, cancer, young, married, not married, kids, no kids…You get my point.

I just think: what if this is one of the good lives and next I’m going to get the life where I die young but heroic as an inspiration to all. Although it’s awesome that I would be able to inspire people like that, the thought of that freaks me out. What if this is really the shitty life where I get murdered because, if my theory is correct, then there has to be one of those, right?

Plus, I don’t think I ever want to live as a woman …ever…ever, because I don’t think I want to live as a person with such bad girl logic all my life. You know… the logic where you do that thing when you tell your boyfriend/husband something that you don’t really want his help with. You just want them to empathize and talk about feelings and I just don’t think I can do that.  You keep on living and dying until you become a complete soul, or something like that, forgive me I haven’t worked out all the details of the foundation of this theory.

8:20 pm

We join the victors on the helicopter ride. It’s strange that Will has made it this far in the game. He’s been playing possum all season, only showing a pulse when he unloaded verbally on Shirin. What’s scary is that when you get bitter juries, the Wills of those seasons, who really haven’t been a part of any major decision making, somehow win…

8:21 pm

Mike proposes a final three with Carolyn and Will. Carolyn does a good job of humoring Mike, whereas Will decides to go with a more honest approach of being non-committal.

8:23 pm

The losers of the competition are bitching about their bad luck. Rodney lets us know that he’s definitely going to be carrying a grudge again Carolyn.

8:24 pm

Dan then goes on a search for food and finds two pieces of fruit randomly by camp, and by “random”, I mean that the producers completely put them there out of fear that Rodney may drop dead or will continue his delve into Jack Nicolson in The Shining:

You can’t tell me that Rodney is not walking around camp having conversations with Lloyd the bartender, about how hurting Carolyn was “an accident”.

8:25 pm

Rodney has some watermelon and immediately starts talking in the 3rd person. The newly invigorated Rodney is ready to roll.

Commercial:

Underrated Tom Hanks performance random thought alert: A League of Their Own:

I just hate…hate…hate the ending of the movie so much for…. I’m spoiling it… big sister Geena Davis intentionally drops the ball in the championship game so big crybaby little sister, who BTW is the most unlikeable little sister in the history of non-dramatic movies in the history of cinema, can have the glory and get out of big sister’s shadow. I hated that ending as a kid and I hate it more as a grown man.

You can’t reward the crybaby, because she couldn’t get big sister out. The character was so unlikeable that we as a country somehow banded together and banished that actress from ever appearing in anything meaningful again…good job, Merica.

8:29 pm

Back with the other Merica, we join everybody at camp. Dan points out that Mike cannot win this immunity challenge for the twelfth time tonight. I’m sure he can just pay Rodney with two more watermelons to pull a Tonya Harding on Mike:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yEPDaHzCGw

8:30 pm

Mike gets ordered by the producers to go talk to Sierra because she has only moved three times in the last three episodes.

8:31 pm

Time for the immunity challenge and it goes without saying that it’s the biggest one of the season. This week, it’s the competition where they have to balance a ball through a maze…or it should be called “The competition that the producers are trying to gear towards Mike’s strengths because they’re scared to death of Rodney or Sierra winning this season”….I know… catchy title! Seriously though, could this competition be more favorable toward Mike?

8:36 pm

Shockingly, Mike wins immunity! This should make for a very interesting Tribal.

Commercial:

My thoughts right now are that it’s Carolyn or Dan going home tonight. This could be a huge moment for Carolyn. Will she play her idol or not? I think if she does play her idol and Dan plays his advantage, then Dan’s advantage will be a complete waste. If Carolyn goes tonight, then it will just be awful for this season, because then there are no more really cerebral players left in the game. The game might just completely devolve into the Dawn of Man in a 2001: Space Odyssey:

Can’t you see Rodney leading the others to smash Mike with a skeleton bone one by one?

8:41 pm

Back from commercial and tension is in the air. Dan, Will, and Sierra say they want to vote out Carolyn, but Will and Sierra will fake that they want to get rid of Dan.

8:43 pm

Mike decides to take this information straight to Dan to see if he can swing him his way, again not knowing that this was kind of their plan.

Every time Dan and Mike talk alone, it really does seem like they are trying to out-bad-act one another. It’s really a sight to behold. It’s like they’re both Sophia Coppola in The Godfather: Part III (a movie that doesn’t exist, except in times of mocking it harshly and meanly.)

Quick tangent:

I will never forgive Francis Ford Coppola for The Godfather: Part III…never….never!  Why the F**K did he not only cast his daughter, who delivered the worst performance in acting history, but also then cast George Hamilton in the Robert Duvall-ish role …Yuck.

8:45 pm

Carolyn and Sierra are having a private conversation when Mike literally appears out of think-air to interrupt their conversation to point out that Rodney and Dan are sleeping right now, and therefore, one of the two girls is going home.

Carolyn is telling us that she is conflicted about playing the idol…This is going to be good. My gut tells me she is going to play it tonight.

8:46 pm

Tribal Council time! The jury joins the party. Shirin continues to look really obnoxious.

8:47 pm

Wow…No joke, Rodney just stopped talking mid-sentence…looking delusional…and if people are smart, they will hide the machete because he is not making any sense at all…

8:49 pm

We watch the ballot of every player not wanting to give away which way they are going. Carolyn has to play her idol…if so, I think Dan is a dead man walking.

8:50 pm

We go to the votes! …….Not before Dan decides to play his advantage…….

8:52 pm

And now Carolyn is playing her idol!

8:53 pm

We go to the votes: Carolyn…Carolyn…Carolyn…Dan…Dan!

Dan has been eliminated.

The End

Recap:

So Carolyn showed her mettle tonight, granted the move against her was pretty telegraphed, so you can’t say it was an all-time move or anything, but it definitely was a positive for Carolyn. It will be very interesting to see if there is a clear line drawn in the sand with Mike/Carolyn against everybody else now. Is Sierra just staying in the middle or is she clearly with someone? We’ve got one episode left, and I’m sorry, I know there have been some people that have been saying Rodney could win this game, but no…that should not happen. For this season to even make it to the tolerable level of acceptance, it has to be either Mike or Carolyn as your winner. Anybody else will just feel lame.

From an unintentional comedy standpoint, seeing Rodney win would be pretty epic and ironic, right? Short of that happening, I think the right thing to have happen is the final coming down to Mike vs. Carolyn and see how the jury votes. I think that would be a very interesting vote breakdown.

Thanks again for reading this mess…See you next week!

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