Welcome back to Joaquin’s Survivor Death Watch. If you forgot, Joaquin is the idiotic choice I made to win the game this season. He has turned into our POV player now moving forward. Somehow we are all controlling him and somehow we are going to will him to the finals…That or we’re going to watch him die a slow Survivor death and probably get voted out pre-merge. In the words of the great Russell Hantz, we’re going to “Keep Hope Alive.”
We got through last week; now, we have to make a path for Joaquin to follow tonight. Once again the easiest, smoothest path for survival tonight is for the White Collars to avoid Tribal Council. Last week, other than seeing clips of the White Collars treating their camp the way that fifty and older men treat a gym locker room, walking around and bending in awkward ways stark naked, we didn’t get a good view of the dynamics and have not since the So vote out.
We don’t know for sure if he is being brought into the fold with the two shot callers, Max and Tyler. They can start a Three Amigos alliance; they could even reveal themselves like this:
That is our Joaquin’s ticket to survival; he needs to be a desirable choice to be on the bottom of a power-alliance.
Enough of Joaquin, as last week was mostly about the dynamics of the No Collars. We lost fan favorite…Vince, as Will, the swing vote did not take to kindly to be asked if he would be able to cut it out there. We can blame Nina for planting this dark seed into the depths of Will’s mind. The question of this early season is whether Nina’s telling Will this information altered the game. Would Vince still be in the game? If so, Jenn would have been voted out, and the dynamics would be completely different now moving forward. I understand that you could play that game with any episode, but this last vote feels a little bigger, like it really did completely send the game into a completely different direction.
Jeff recaps life for the three different collars:
Blue Collar: Over-the-top dramatic talks at the Blue Collars’ camp with Mike and Dan:
No Collar: The No Collars are taking the loss last week in stride:
Black-and-white Survivor camera starts us off with the aftermath of the No Collar tribal. Joe shares with us that he doesn’t trust Will even though he voted out Vince.
Nina declares that she knows she is the next one to go, so she tells everybody not to treat her like an outsider as everybody watches on confused. Is it ever a good idea to lie down and play dead in Survivor as a strategy? I guess if the other players don’t think you’re a threat in any way, shape, or form. I need some Survivor historian to look back and tell me if anybody has declared himself/herself the next one to go to fellow tribe mates and then went on to make it to the end.
We join Shirin and the White Collars as Shirin makes monkey sounds with real monkeys who are there up in a tree, watches as two monkeys get down, and then decides to share this with everybody. Her fellow White Collars treat her like the girl at the bar who drinks too much and tries to impress everybody within earshot by talking about how she makes out with other girls sometimes…You know, because she is so wild like that. We get it, Shirin; you’re a free spirit. Congratulations.
Commercial: I go to California next week. Is it weird that the thing I’m looking most forward to is going to In-N-Out Burger? I think I’ve visualized ordering (Double Double, animal- style fries…maybe two Double Doubles…one for later). I don’t care what anybody says: In-N-Out is the best fast food in the world. If I were on death row, it would probably be my choice as my last meal. Can we all agree it’s not sad for me to feel this way?
Back from commercial with the Blue Collars. Out of all the tribes, the Blue Collars have the most annoying players by far, right?
Dan shares with us that he feels like he has slowed his role a little bit and is fitting in a little better, until Dan makes a mother joke to Rodney. Rodney does not take too kindly to this. Rodney starts strutting around the camp like a silverback gorilla trying to assert his dominance over the others:
A couple of the No Collars are treating this game like a trip to Cabo San Lucas as Jenn and Hali decide to go surfing, and it looks like the producers are really looking to kill time tonight. Jenn tells us that she doesn’t understand why people take this game so seriously…Cut to every person that has tried but failed to get on the show slamming their heads against the wall.
We then join Joe as he goes lizard hunting. It looks like Joe is the leader of the tribe. He takes Nina aside for a heart-to-heart pep talk. He tells her to keep playing the game. We also get a shot of the lizard carcass, which somehow turns into a moment about Nina “letting go”, but being unable to fully embrace the Survivor ways or embrace her tribe. I feel like the six-inch lizard carcass took away from this powerful moment.
Commercial: Apparently some guy named James Corden is taking over The Late Late Show. Like sitcoms, I’m wondering if late-night talk shows are kind of overplayed now? I mean, it’s not the mid-80’s with twenty channels total, with no late-night TV options. Couldn’t you make the argument that Johnny Carson was so popular because he was going against infomercials five nights a week?:
Do we really want to stay up to watch celebrities promoting some shitty movie with stock answers and contrived stories acting fake? Am I being too snarky about this? I just can’t seem to remember more than two or three “moments” over the past ten years that came from a late-night talk show.
We rejoin the White Collars as Joaquin and Shirin go searching for the hidden idol as Carolyn watches on happily and securely knowing that she has it. Shirin tries to call a truce, which everybody seems to agree to except for Joaquin who aggressively declines this offer. He then tells Shirin he doesn’t trust her as I look on in disgust. Just agree, Joaquin! (I’m not actually a big Joaquin fan; it’s just a matter of competitive pride that I picked him to win, not knowing then how horrific a player he is).
Tyler takes Joaquin aside and says he is cool with him, and then Tyler tells us that he thinks Shirin is at the top of everybody’s list to be voted out…Hmmm… Keep talking, Tyler.
We join Mike at the Blue Collar tribe who, once again, is making sure we know how hard he works and how lazy everybody else is on his tribe. He is winning fans left and right with this strategy. Mike confronts Rodney and the other younger members of the tribe. Rodney is not happy to put it lightly.
Lindsey, with a straight face, tells us that she has the best work ethic on the team. Rodney then goes on a tirade about being able to work on “Rodney time”. He then aggressively grabs a stack of wood and hurls it into a pile. That stack of wood never stood a chance, but a message had to be sent…and Rodney, message received…Thank you.
Mike and Lindsey then get into. Lindsey gets aggressive and makes fun of Mike’s awful back Bible tattoo. I don’t know how it really was at camp, and maybe the edit hasn’t been fair, but is there a likable player on the Blue Collar team? Seriously, is there any player on that team that you’re sitting here watching going: “You know what? That person deserves to win the game”?
I can’t keep talking about how lame sitcoms are every week when I see a new Big Bang Theory promo, but I swear they just promoted a “very special” episode where “we say goodbye” to one of the characters’ mothers. Look, I don’t want a very special episode of any sitcom ever, unless it’s Jessie Spano being hopped up and hooked on diet/speed pills:
In my humble opinion, the best shows on TV right now are Justified , Better Call Saul, and 12 Monkeys (Yes..I can’t believe I’m typing that, but it’s true).
Immunity challenge time. Everybody sees that Vince has been voted out…and the winner of this week’s contest of the forced, looking shocked reaction is…Dan, who does the “I can’t believe what I’m seeing, so I’m going to shake my head and do a fake laugh” reaction. Well played, sir.
Jeff starts the comp out by doing Will no favors and pointing out that he is struggling early on. Do any of the players ever shout: “Shut the eff up!” to Jeff during the competition as he nonstop narrates the action,only to have the producers edit it out? I would love to know the answer to that.
Your winners this week are the Blue Collars and the White Collars. The No Collars are going back to tribal. Since I’m watching this live, I’ve got to say it looks like this week is obviously coming down to Nina or Will being sent home.
Commercial: The No Collars are in deep trouble moving forward. If I were one of them, I would really start making eye contact with members of the other tribes to try to convey that I want to join forces with them. I wouldn’t even try to hide it. I would be looking at Max and Tyler pointing at myself and then pointing at them mouthing the words: “Help…Me…Join…You…Two…In… Alliance…Me…Help…You…Guys…Get…Far…In…Game.”
Back from commercial, we join the No Collars who are reeling after their last loss. Joe takes responsibility at camp, knowing full well that he is completely safe tonight. You know somebody feels safe in Survivor when they take 100 percent of the blame and don’t try to throw anybody under the bus. It’s like losing $5 dollars on a blackjack hand. You just don’t care.
Will, knowing that he could be in danger, goes to comfort Joe and plays the concerned friend routine…desperately trying to stay alive. You can’t really blame Will.
Jenn and Hali talking strategy isn’t exactly conjuring memories of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. They should just stick to surfing and not taking the game seriously…It’s probably better for everybody involved.
Tribal Council begins with Joe being grilled about the strategy. He takes accountability and he tries to walk the tightrope of just saying: “Look Jeff, Nina sucks and we didn’t trust her”.
Nina blames her tribe for not trusting her because of the fact that she is deaf. Jeff points out that the comp today had nothing to do with hearing. Nina wasn’t prepared for that comeback.
It’s time to go to the votes…My guess, without cheating, would be Will gets the boot…
The votes: Nina…Will…Will…Nina…Third person voted out…Nina! The rest of the players look petrified as each has the “Wait…we just voted out somebody with a disability…Is everybody who watches this going to think I’m an asshole?” face.
Next time on Survivor: We get a two-hour episode? Does this mean that there wasn’t enough drama for one episode or that there was so much drama that they needed two episodes?
Let’s be honest here. It looks like the only real players in this game this season are Max, Tyler, and maybe Carolyn since she has the idol. I would say Joe as well, but I feel like his tribe is going to be decimated, and when the merge happens, he will be an obvious target. The Blue Collars are all a complete disaster, except for that one woman who we haven’t heard from since the first episode, Sierra. I honestly can’t see any of them winning the game. None of them seem to have the social game. They are killing the competitions, but I can see at least 3-4 of them jumping ship once the merge happens.
This seems like a two-man race this season between Max and Tyler. They are playing nice so far, but it will be cool to see how they play once the merge happens. Will they each create sub-alliances? Or will they stick together until the end? Is it way too early to even bring this topic up now?
Our Joaquin pick is hanging in there. I mean, let’s face it, at this time he is just a pawn at best. He hasn’t mastered the “I’m just going to play dead and hope everybody forgets about me” strategy. Maybe he lacks the insight to be able to see the whole landscape of the game and know that he failed at being the alpha-male in this game. You can’t get that role back. He needs to wake up. You ask, why am I wasting a paragraph on Joaquin?…Well, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I should just end things here.
Thanks for reading. See you next week. Let me know who your top three players are so far this season. Maybe you’re seeing the game in a completely different way than I am.