SurvivorSurvivor Cagayan

Survivor: The Cardinal F*ckin’ Rule

Confessional of the night: “You don’t hear much about guys who take their shot and miss, but I’ll tell you what happens to them. They end up humping crappy jobs and graveyard shifts trying to figure out how they came up short. See, I had this picture in my head. Me sitting at the big table, Doyle to my left, Amarillo Slim to my right, playing in the World Series of Poker. And I let that vision blind me at the table against KGB. Now, the closest I get to Vegas is west New York, driving this lousy route handed down from Knish to rounders who forget the cardinal f*ckin’ rule… Always leave yourself outs.” – Mike McDermott, Rounders

Wow! What a crazy curveball from Clayton Kershaw! Just so you know, he’s a baseball pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers. What the f*ck is going on? The quote is from the movie Rounders. Then why the f*ck is it the confessional of the night? Calm down, F-bomb. Lets make some edits to it!

“You don’t hear much about guys who take their shot and miss, but I’ll tell you what happens to them. They end up humping crappy jobs and graveyard shifts trying to figure out how they came up short. See, I had this picture in my head. Me sitting at Final Tribal Council, Trish to my left, Jefra to my right, playing in the ultimate reality game show. And I let that vision blind me at the beach against Tony. Now, the closest I get to a million dollars is east Massachusetts, pouring these lousy drinks handed down from the owner to players who forget the cardinal f*ckin’ rule… Always leave yourself outs.” – LJ

The edits feel a little mean. But holy sh*t, is it spot on or what? You belong in a loony bin. For what? Hello!? You pretend to be two people! Meh, this is nothing. You know how Rob says Level 1 Survivor? Well, you’re Level 1 Insane Asylum!

Enough about me. What’s the cardinal f*ckin’ rule? ALWAYS LEAVE YOURSELF OUTS.

It’s a simple concept, yet so few do it. This can only mean one thing. It’s difficult to achieve. Which makes sense when broken down within the context of Survivor. To follow this rule, two rare characteristics must come together. A person must have the ability (and willingness) to get along with all walks of life while possessing the mindset of a sociopath.

Time for “10 sentences or less” WITH finisher predictions. These aren’t power rankings. The players are in the exact order of how I think they will place and they’ll change from week to week as I see fit. Lets go!

[email protected] (2. last week – down 7 spots)

LJ It was a hoarse experience for LJ.[/caption]

How’s that crow taste!? Oh my goodness, it’s delicious. If Survivor: Cagayan were the norm, I’d happily eat crow until I became one. You’re well on your way.

Seriously, that was frickin’ fantastic. All I kept thinking at Tribal Council was, “Okay, hurry up and show us this split vote.” Then bam, LJ was knocked off his high horse. LJ wasn’t arrogant though.

I beg to differ! When we put the pieces of his puzzle together, it shows he locked himself into a set path.

We saw him willingly limit his options from Day 1. Think about it. What do Brice, Jeremiah and Morgan have in common? They were all shunned by him at some point. And Tasha was #StoodUp like Rosa Parks! Hm, I see what you did there. Tasha and Rosa Parks share the same skin color and then it’s a play on words because Rosa Parks had to stand up when she was forced off the bus. It’s a stretch, but I like the creativity. Thank you!

While I don’t think LJ is socially ignorant, I do think he lacks certain social interaction skills due to his mellow nature. I’ve mentioned it a million times, but he should just marry Jefra and take her last name. That’s gold, Jerry! Gold! I’m back in the reference game with you!

Also, he isn’t the type that can fake relationships. An admirable characteristic outside the game, but inside, you might as well kick coconuts.

It’s safe to say I was wrong when I said LJ was the heavy pregame favorite with a 33% chance of winning. No sh*t. He’s much too passive to warrant that high a percentage. Duh, he went out 9th! You know what has a 100% chance of happening? He won’t be coming back. Bingo.

8. Jefra @JefraBland (4. last week – down 4 spots)

Jefra

Get the soap ready.

Wait, did Jefra want to take a shower or NOT? I could have sworn she said she was getting comfortable with the funk. That’s ’cause she’s country!

Like usual, there isn’t much to say here. I guess I can get serious. Sigh…

Due to the preview, I’m expecting Tony to stick to his new plan of killing off his old alliance of six. I don’t see why Jeremiah, Spencer and Tasha would object. Throw Woo in the mix and Jefra will be sent packing with a 5-3 vote.

If she didn’t feel like a shower before, she will when Tony gets done dragging her through the mud.

7. Trish @TrishHegarty (1. last week – down 6 spots)

Trish

She needed to whisper… to the Horse Whisperer.

Colored people aren’t Trish’s strong suit. I mean, colored tiles! She voted out Cliff, but it doesn’t seem like she’s gunning for Tasha. Stop being so analytical when it comes to my humor!

Trish had a decent episode. Her reads were correct, but she didn’t do anything about them. She knew Tony was selling her bullsh*t, but chalked it up as him being paranoid and was confident he’d stick with the six. It was Red Flag City, wasn’t it?

Yeah, that’s what I don’t understand. If she felt Tony was slinging crap, why would she keep it to herself and continue to go along with the original split vote plan? You just said why. She was confident Tony would shake his paranoia. 

That’s true, but her instincts knew something was up. This is why I subtly opened her section with the color challenge reference. When Woo joined her on the elimination bench she said, “It’s hard to think, man.” After talking to Tony, if she was thinking, she would have went to Jefra and LJ with that information and avoided this entire situation.

For this lapse in action, she drops from appearing in five more episodes to just two.

6. Woo @YungWoo23 (6. last week – same)

Woo

Shocked-face: The receiver becomes the giver.

We were robbed! We could have watched the elegant Woo receive a mani and pedi while chowing down chicken wraps and sipping mimosas.

Instead, he was stuck with a plate of white rice. He gets enough of that sh*t at home, CBS! Oooo. Don’t act like you weren’t thinking the same thing.

I loved Woo’s reaction to LJ allegedly plotting against him. It was like he was preparing for an epic battle scene between Mr. Con Man and Mr. Ninja Man, himself. Go Ninja Man!

Like many unfortunate souls before him, Woo put his trust in Tony and though it paid off, he’s stuck as a pawn in Tony’s game. If his fall in the upcoming episode doesn’t cause him to be medically evacuated, it’ll only be a matter of time before the ninja disappears via a majority vote.

5. Tony @tony_vlachos (9. last week – up 4 spots)

Tony

The Opportunist? More like The Chemist.

With Tony’s meltdown after Tribal Council in mind, I want to reiterate that he’s wrong about Morgan being undeserving. There’s no such thing as being deserving when it comes to Survivor. No one DESERVES to be there more than anyone else. It’s a ridiculously pompous statement. You’re telling me someone like Tony doesn’t deserve to be there more than someone like Morgan?

Correct. Why would anyone be more deserving than someone else? Because someone doesn’t help around camp, that makes them less worthy a contestant? Bullsh*t. That mentality is so blindly arrogant, you might as well call it religious.

Moving on… Whatever, I disagree.

What Tony did with LJ was spectacular. He created a valid reason to vote LJ out that wasn’t originally there. On top of this, if Tony makes the final three it’s a point in his favor, as long as he reveals what’s behind the curtain. Creating positive situations out of thin air is the definition of a great Survivor player. I wouldn’t go overboard on the Tony love. 

I agree. He’s lacking something. Maybe it’s the ability to hear himself speak? Because the way he was talking to Jeremiah and Spencer wasn’t that impressive. His pronouns were selfish. It was all “I”, “me” and no “we”. He’s transparent to us, but is he transparent to the players?

At the very least, I think he’s translucent to them. Also, with him breaking up the five, his “Top Five” comment gives new meaning now. I think it’s foreshadowing the Tony Train stops at fifth.

4. Tasha @missfoxytasha (8. last week – up 4 spots)

Tasha

The diagnosis is complete and results are in.

I figured it out! I KNOW WHY TASHA ISN’T MY TYPE OF HUMAN! Oh God, here we go.

I’m about to come across extremely arrogant, so bear with me. How is that any different from how you usually come across? Good point.

I’m not a fan of Tasha because she’s the type that gets happy when things go her way, but as soon as they don’t, she gets mad. A lot of people are like that. And I don’t like a lot… Never mind! Talk about high horse.

You don’t understand. Oh, I do. You’re a blowhard, know-it-all. Tell me this isn’t true: She’s ecstatic to blindside others, but when it eventually happens to her, she’ll be as sour as a lemon. You don’t know that. WATCH, I F*CKING GUARANTEE IT.

You’re going to be eating more crow. I doubt it. I spotted this in the first episode. I just didn’t know how to verbalize it. So you REALLY are a d*ck! I have a low tolerance for emotional hypocrites. Wow, that’s the first time you sounded cruel.

Uh, just kidding!?

3. Kass @KassMcQ (3. last week – same)

Kass

The nerve of this Brain.

Oh no she didn’t. Oh she did.

She’d be a fantastic field goal kicker or relief pitcher. Why’s that? Because to be continually successful, they have to erase their minds of their missed kicks or blown saves. If they don’t, those errors will negatively impact their performance the next time their number is called.

With that said, I do think we were shown a glimpse of Kass being somewhat likable when they were at Tribal Council. Didn’t you see Morgan’s and Sarah’s reactions after Kass finished speaking? I did, but I’m saying she didn’t come across like the harsh Kass we’ve been accustomed to. She still doesn’t stand a chance of winning. I 100% agree.

I think she’ll make it to the end and present a respectable case. But without charisma and tact, it’ll fall on deaf ears. And rightfully so. Agreed again.

2. Jeremiah @JeremiahPWood (5. last week – up 3 spots)

Jeremiah

Every Body needs a Brain.

I have a question for the ladies out there: Is Jeremiah’s accent a turn on or turn off?

My guess is it’s a turn off to women from the north east United States, but other parts of the country find it neutral to attractive.

Ladies? I think you shooed them away with all your sexist jokes. Oh, right.

It looks like Jeremiah and Spencer are tight and I don’t see why Spencer would vote out Jeremiah, so by default, Jeremiah gets the two-spot.

Hey, maybe the producers will do us all a favor and implement a two-for-one Country Deal this next episode? I’m in! Where do I sign up? Sign ups will be held at the J & J Double Elimination Jamboree!

1. Spencer @SpencerBGM (7. last week – up 6 spots)

Spencer

Spencer’s Happy Ending is coming.

From here on out, Survivor should make Bobbleheads of all future winners. Just sayin’.

What’s the over-under on how many Asian massage places Spencer’s been to since his season finished? 6? 8? Once a month? He did seem like he was enjoying himself!

I thought I had special powers. I wanted to will Spencer to a Malcolm Freberg like finish. I’ve since come to the realization I’m not special and I don’t have powers. I could have told you that. 

It’s a sad, sad day. All Spencer has to do is ride out Tony’s diabolical self-destruction and strike when the timing is right. You’ll have to give him credit when he does that! I will and I’ll be happy for him.

But maybe, just maybe, with the way this season has been edited, we’re in for a huge surprise at the end. Could Kass win? Could Jeremiah? It would go well with this season’s billing: Best Season Ever. I’ll give you top five. I was just being dramatic. We can determine that at a later date.

Thank you for bantering with me. It was a pleasure.

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