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Survivor Stream of Consciousness: The Island of Dr. Tony

 

7:50 p.m.

Welcome back. So this has been a crazy week if you’re a sports fan. The biggest story by far, if you’ve been living under a rock as they say… (Notice my perfect use of tired, lame clichés)… is the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers going full-on Archie Bunker.

The owner got taped saying that he didn’t want people of color showing up with his mistress, or assistant, or both at his arena. It’s important to add that his mistress also just happens to be multiracial. TMZ broke the story, which is always weird in this day and age. (Side note: Thank god cell phone cameras were not a thing back in 1999 when I was 18 and going to school in Los Angeles. I would have needed a P.R. firm to spin every debauched act.)

Then on Tuesday, the owner, Donald Sterling, received the first ever lifetime ban for an NBA owner. Craziness… and now I’m going to ask you to bear with me as I share a painful story. In 1987 (I was 7), I was a hotshot little league baseball player…women wanted me; men wanted to be me. I became drunk on the power of celebrity. During that time, I was introduced into the world of wizardry, and call it being naïve or immature, but I had a dislike for Mudbloods, so much so that during the middle of the season, I refused to show up and play in the games if there were filthy Mudbloods in the stands.

Look, I’m not proud of this moment. I was young and headstrong and thought I knew everything. I thought Mudbloods were different, and couldn’t be trusted. Looking back is really hard for me, but trust me when I say that I have grown from that experience; in fact, my best friend Jason is a Mudblood and my cousin married a Mudblood. I hope nobody here will judge me, because like I said, I was young and stupid. Let’s get on to Survivor and agree that racism sucks.

8 p.m.

Previously on Survivor (Jeff Probst’s voice): The producers rigged the game and may have permanently altered it by leading Tony off camera directly to the golden-gun-massive-awesomeness-idol thingy. Jeremiah revealed the biggest anti-climactic news ever when he shared he was a model. Kass, pregnant with my baby, has given me too much to think about and I’m thinking about recreating this scene at the end of this season:

Black-and-white Survivor starts with a demonic bug instead of a demonic rodent… Good change up.

Jefra’s talking about trying to see the bigger picture, wanting to get Tony out. While she is trying to summon her inner Scarface, she should really be trying to summon her inner Arrested Development Milford School, being neither seen nor heard.

Kass takes a shot at young males like they’re part of the ape family by saying that college males are the most selfish beasts on the planet. I would counter that by saying I think hipster mothers are the most selfish people in the world. They bestow horrible hipster names on their kids like Eleanor or Francis, they make their toddlers wear uncomfortable clothes strictly for forced pictures that are supposed to look organic, they’re gluten free, they like beers with seven names…I could go on and on.

Spencer takes accountability for using the idol on himself. He’s talking about losing the battle but not the war, but we’ll see…

Woo the prankster puts the money from tree mail on his sweaty back. Everybody is delirious. Watch out for that Woo….He’s a prankster…He will get ya.

Commercial: First off, R.I.P. Eddie Valiant (Bob Hoskins)

That is one of the most underrated movies of all-time. I think the first time I looked at a woman in a sexual way was when I saw Jessica Rabbit for the first time…Thanks, Disney!

We go the auction. The first item has a movie theater theme… popcorn, candy and a soft drink. Trish pays 80 bucks…That’s about what you would actually have to pay. Remember when going to the movies with a date wouldn’t cost you $120?

Jefra cashes out on guacamole. Woo caps off that moment by saying “Get a fat dip of that guac” in the creepiest way possible. Go to the 1:50 mark of this clip and it personifies exactly what Woo looked like in that moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RfQyR59oiM

Kass and Jeff share an electrifying moment when she plays Let’s Make a Deal with two covered up baskets. She wins a steak sandwich. I would probably go all $500 for an In-N-Out Burger Double-Double Animal Style with fries.

Woo gets the steal of the auction with the ribs and a brewski for 40 bucks…Jeff narrates with a porn director’s tone while Woo eats …Things got weird here.

Tasha doesn’t get in on that bid for the advantage, showing once again that she thinks she is playing chess when she is playing checkers. Watching a confident person who thinks she’s playing the game, but is really just over-thinking everything is annoying.

8:15 p.m.

Commercial: Today I got stuck in a Love Connection vortex after reading a grantland.com article.

I used to watch this show every time I stayed home sick or every day in the summer. Isn’t it really weird how everybody in their early-mid 20’s look like they’re in their late 30’s or early 40’s? Seriously, I’m 33 and every person on this show looks ten years older than I do. They have to bring this show back somehow, with the exact same format, including the dated percentage thing when the audience votes on who they think the date should be. I love, in a sexist way, how every single woman on Love Connection was a secretary…Seriously, jump into the Love Connection vortex and see for yourself… Every single woman in the 1980’s was apparently a secretary according to this show.  How great was that guy’s mullet and overall look BTW?

We’re back and greeted by Tony explaining awkwardly what a catch-22 is. Tony has had some great luck this season. Has a crazier person ever had this much sway in Survivor? If he were permitted to live there forever, how long would it take for this to evolve with him?

Kass takes solace in Spencer’s suffering and takes another cheap shot at him. Her attitude towards Spencer is getting ugly.

Tony runs off and reads his clue out loud. I wonder if the camera crew will lead him directly to it again, or humor us and make him look for it himself for at least five minutes or something until they show him where it is off-camera.

While Tony is looking for the idol, the girls are relaxing in the water. Tasha is desperately trying to orchestrate an all-girls alliance as she feels her head is on the chopping block.

Tony and Spencer have a bro-talk. Tony is paranoid, but in this case he may be right. Spencer’s fueling that fire of an all-girls alliance is smart on his part.

Tony leads us into another commercial stating he will take things into his own hands if he needs to, which could mean anything from a triple homicide to playing his idol. If he somehow finds another idol then he is going to be rolling to the finals.

Commercial: Weekly online dating update. Not going to lie, so right now I’m like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Don Jon when he regrets his bad choices. I think I can be a good guy,but temptation always gets the best of me…maybe next week ;).

8:30 p.m.

Kass brings us back from commercial saying that she feels good with her five, which usually means that her five is not good and something different will happen. All jokes aside, what is Kass’s plan here? Is she sticking with Trish as her main partner and riding that wave all the way, or does she have another trick up her sleeve? For some reason, I see her making it to the finals but being the one who gets the brunt of a bitter jury’s wrath. I think she will be the one who will get the four passive-aggressive, hostile questions in the finals from people who feel like they should be in her place.

Spurred on by the girls’ laziness and Jefra telling Tony to handle the crab situation, Tony rediscovers his vigor to find the idol and he does. This is crazy… He’s double-fisting in idols! How does he not waltz into the final 3 now?

Tony showcases the less powerful idol of his collection to everybody on the island. Everybody he shows has the fake, f**k you smile going as he’s showing them.

We get to the immunity challenge. I’m hoping Spencer can pull this out, so Tasha can be voted off with her Survivor for Dummies book that she studied vigorously before this season started.

It’s really jarring to hear Jeff shout: “Tony is slamming his balls all over the place.”…or “Jefra is in on the action as she has her hands over five balls.” Clean up your act, Jeff.

Gross….OMG….Tasha wins immunity. How in the hell did that happen? Well, you have to give her props because she knew her butt was on the line.

Spencer’s fans bring in a priest to read him his last rites. If you want to say your goodbyes, it may be the time to do that. His only hope is to plant some dark thought into Tony’s head and hope Tony takes the bait and goes all Rambo on everyone.

Commercial: Summer’s coming up. Which summer block-buster movie are you guys most excited about? Personally, I’m tired of the twenty-eight different Spider-Man and X-Men movies that have been made in the last ten years. Just for the record, the all-time greatest summer blockbuster movie was Terminator 2…I won’t hear any disagreements about this.

Halle Berry has a network show coming up on CBS? I think she is the most overrated actress ever.  She won the Oscar that one year solely because of her sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton, which I wish I could play a clip of here, but I’m pretty sure if I did Rob would fire me. Take my word for it, if you haven’t seen Monster’s Ball before, go check it out and when the sex scene happens you will be horrified.

Back from commercial and Tasha definitely has a pep in her step, trying to get an all-girls alliance going. It seems like the rest of the girls are a little less than lukewarm on the idea.

Tony is feeling paranoid and claims he wants to save Spencer to keep the ratio of boys to girls manageable.  If he pulls this off and it actually works, then he really would have played a brilliant game.

Spencer somehow has new life! He shares the news with Tasha, but part of me thinks she is going to overthink this and run and tell the girls. I hope I’m wrong.

8:45 p.m.

Tony can’t find Spencer and thinks Spencer is trying to find an idol, and now he is getting cold feet on this big move. Things are getting cray cray out there.

Tribal Council starts with the jury entering. Jeremiah is just full-on embracing his model-ness as he’s dressed as an Abercrombie and Fitch model and flashing blue steel looks to everybody.

Tony flashes his idol and puts it on. He speaks a little crazy as everybody looks at him like he’s talking in another language, and they’re stunned that they let him get to point of having all the power. It’s like when Joffrey became the king in Game of Thrones.

Kass and Jeff are wearing matching shirts again…Love is just beautiful.

Spencer makes an impassioned speech as if he’s trying to get Chris O’Donnell off the hook at his rich preppy school.

Jeff goes to the votes. Will it be Jefra or Spencer???? Wow! Jefra gets the boot. Knowing her mind, her perception on how she went out is probably along the lines of this.

But in reality, her Survivor death was this (Fast forward to the 3:50 mark).

So Spencer survives having dodged a really huge bullet. I think in most seasons, if he were in the exact same spot as he was in tonight, then he would have gone home, but crazy (Tony) is hard to account for, especially when crazy has power, and now all bets are off.

Jefra, I don’t think you played a great game this season, but hey, you made it to the jury. For your goodbye song we give you:

We wish you well, Jefra…you’re like the wind…

We’re starting to get down to the nitty-gritty here. I think next week could be potentially huge. Will Tony try to get the guys aligned against the girls? If so, how will Spencer handle Tasha? Will Woo continue to have the worst instincts of any player this season? I think any scenario is on the table for next week. Tony could decide that he doesn’t trust Woo anymore and blindside him.  I could see Tony trying to get Kass out… Everything and anything is on the table.

My power rankings for this week are:

  1. Tony
  2. Trish
  3. Kass.

What are your power rankings? Thanks again for reading.

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