Survivor San Juan Del Sur

Survivor: A little ditty about Jack and Diane Jon and Jackie

Welcome back, everybody. First off and I know nobody really cares, but it’s game seven of the World Series with my beloved San Francisco Giants. The Giants have been the love of my life since probably the age of the five. The Giants are always there for me. From when the season started in April until now, I have probably gone on at least one date with, let’s say, eight to twelve different girls and every time the Giants have been there after the “who discovers more red flags and bails first” game between me and those dates.

The Giants were not supposed to get to the World Series this year, but yet here they are, one game to decide it all. I’m really distracted tonight; I get too nervous to the point that I can’t even watch the game because I cannot take the torture. I think I can relate this rambling to Survivor, in that you don’t have to be the “favorite” to win Survivor. You can have all the attributes that a typical “winning” Survivor player may have but that does not translate into winning the game. You could be Dale Carnegie, winning friends and influencing people but that does not mean you will win Survivor. Winning Survivor takes the exact right chemistry mixed with fate and sprinkled with destiny. Michael Caine in Mr. Destiny simplistically explains it the best at the one minute mark of this clip:

Last week, we had what I think is the vote that would have caused the most dramatic differences in the destiny of the remaining players this season. The question became either voting out Kelley or Baylor. As we know now, Kelley got the boot and Missy and Baylor look a lot tougher. Jon and Jackie made the choice and now we can see if they made the right choice and how that choice affects the rest of the game. Circle that vote though as a moment to remember. Tonight, I’m interested in seeing how the blue team would vote at Tribal Council. We will see what they have to do to get food. Maybe they will all be put in a SAW- like challenge for half a pound of rice. Seriously, how great would that be if Jeff showed up and took them to this clip to do this challenge?:

(Graphic yes, but come on, it’s Halloween). I think this season could be setting up for a winner who maybe doesn’t fit into the normal “Survivor Winner” box. Like my Giants tonight, hopefully it doesn’t really matter if you fit in somebody’s box, all that matters is winning. Let’s see what happens tonight…and let’s go Giants, because if they lose I’m going to pick up and leave like Ed Norton in the 25th Hour:

8 pm

Seriously, how am I doing this?…The Giants are in the late innings of their game; it’s like trying to do this when a family member is having open-heart surgery. Yes, I know I need some perspective.

Anyways, previously on Survivor: Soccer mom Missy was able to save daughter Baylor to the chagrin of everybody with a soul.

I wonder how many of those blue shirts Jeff Probst goes through in a season. Seriously, if you had to guess, how many of those different variations of the blue shirt Probst goes through in a season, I would set the over/under at 17 and maybe Rob can ask Jeff or something. Maybe one episode he can shock everybody by coming out in a T-shirt that says “Who Farted?” or “Vote for Pedro” just to mix it up a little.

8:01

Black-and-white Survivor starts us off with the aftermath of the Kelley vote. Dale talks to us in a confessional with a beard three times the size of the one he was wearing for “last night’s vote”…interesting.

8:02

Next morning during the daily Survivor continental breakfast, Dale shows Jon his false idol, clearly not worried about getting voted out by that hot-tempered Moses fellow. Jon it seems for now is buying what Dale is selling.

8:04

With the blue tribe, as Alec is talking to Jeremy who is redefining the term “tuning him out”. Jeremy doesn’t understand why people are stressing about the food.

Next moment we get some frantic music as Jeff Probst comes rolling into camp like a big swinging dick with some rice. Jeff talks down and lectures the tribe about how much rice they ate. I guess forgetting that half of the tribe that binged the food is now on the other tribe. There are like four or five members who weren’t there to begin with.

8:08

I think a sleazy used car salesman would have made a more generous offer than Jeff just made to the blue team for his magic rice.

Jeremy is not happy with this development. Is it me or is he aging emotionally like Benjamin Button? Each week he seems more and more immature. I get that it’s rough out there, but my pre-season pick to win it all is looking less and less likable.

8:10

Commercial:

It’s Halloween in two days and I really want to commemorate the twenty-fifth anniversary of the time I dressed up as Michael Jackson from the Bad album, complete with my mom applying and sending me out with blackface…Let’s just say it’s not my family’s proudest moment. With that said, I would really like to go as Captain EO this year.

8:12

Competition time. Something fun with puzzles again. The prize is the best shish-kabobs I have ever seen. Seriously, half of the players look like they would commit a triple homicide for that meat right now.

8:17

Reed wins the reward for his blue team and immediately starts getting hysterical over the fact that he gets to eat now. Honestly, I think I would have cried too.

8:18

Reed gets the tough call to send somebody to Exile and chooses Julie, but Natalie steps in and says that she will go because nobody has done more around camp than Julie has. Kind of a cool moment for Natalie; we will see how it plays out.

8:20

Commercial and twenty-four hour break:

So, at 8:20, The Giants won the World Series. I immediately paused Survivor and went to celebrate. I stayed up way too late celebrating, so this is diary now is from 10/30. I still have no idea what has happened with Survivor, but at least now I will be less distracted. Having your favorite team win a championship is like getting to score with your significant other once a year. It’s a big deal and you act really goofy.

8:24

Back from commercial, we get Keith trying to fish with something out of 1912. I’m rooting for you Keith.

Jon shares with Missy and Jackie that Dale showed him a idol. It looks like for now the fish are biting. Unfortunately, it looks like it’s going to make Keith and his Huckleberry Finn fishing pole in trouble.

8:25

Off to Exile Island with Natalie and Baylor. Natalie thinks volunteering for Exile will buy her some insurance later in the game. I guess you can always use some insurance.

Natalie proclaims her trust in Baylor and Missy. Could be an interesting development.

8:27

Back with the blue team as they celebrate the food they’re about to eat like stoners getting ready for an Outback Steakhouse meal on 04/20.

Jeremy is not liking the PDA of Josh and Reed. He seems generally agitated at all times now. We will see if this behavior can continue without negative consequences.

It starts pouring down rain and now without any tarps or anything , Julie and other members of the blue team are starting to break. Julie talks about quitting. I’m thinking this is a red herring. You can’t quit Survivor because of one night of rain. I mean, I guess you can, but why even bother coming to play if that’s the case?

8:30

Commerical:

Since there are no good commercials coming on, let me ask this: How many people in the history of Survivor have quit? Is it like once every three seasons, more or less? I’m sure there is some Survivor stat geek out here (meant lovingly) who can answer how many and what the circumstances were for those people who threw in the towel. I would be curious to know if there was a pattern or something to people who quit.

8:33

Back from commercial and we rejoin the blue team in their winter of discontent. Jeremy gives Julie a pep talk to not quit. Julie is trying to suck it up for now, I guess.

Alec poetically says “Bitch, this is Survivor. You signed up for this shit. Go home”. I would love for Jeff to maybe steal that quote one day to use on a player who is thinking about quitting…Wow.

8:34

Time for the Immunity Challenge. Is it me or are these challenges getting more and more random? They have to flip some gigantic cubes and twirl some bags, climb a wall from American Gladiators, and solve a puzzle. Not exactly standard.

Every male has a pretty good beard going except for Jon. Something is not right there; somebody needs to check his bag for a Mach 3 razor. Growing an awful beard, I think, is stipulated in the Survivor rules for males.

Jon randomly shouts “ Who’s Big Jon now?” The game immediately pauses as everybody looks at Jon confused.

After that awful quote, Jon’s team immediately blows a humongous lead, proof that you never tempt fate. The orange team loses and Jon should immediately be taken to the Survivor electric chair.

8:40

Dale summarizes the despair of blowing the competition. The big question is whether Dale’s bluff will be called. I always enjoy the player that makes a fake idol and it actually works. We get to see if this WILL actually work, but hats off to Dale for at least trying something.

8:42

Commercial:

Another trivia question: How many fake Survivor Immunity Idols have been made throughout the seasons? Top of my head, I’m guessing three. I would never be able to make a fake idol. I’m not able to build anything, as it’s a choice I made when I was seven when I realized even then that boy scouts were douchie, with their really high shorts and awful outfits.

8:44

Back from commercial and the orange team is trying to regroup. Keith shares that he wants to get Dale out. Keith has the idol, so I guess it’s up to him to read the room in knowing if he should play it or not.

Dale tries to sell Jon on voting out Missy or anybody else. Jon tells Missy and the plan is to vote out Dale, but split the votes with Keith.

8:45

Jon and Jackie have a private meeting to talk about what to do, but it looks like they are going to roll with Missy.

Missy is looking more and more like the top dog in this game. Whichever one of you told me to watch out for her about three weeks ago, you were right on. She’s turning out to maybe be the unassuming Godfather this season.

8:48

Tribal Council time. I know it’s a mother/daughter dynamic with Missy and Baylor, but god is it annoying for some reason. I really think Baylor would be a complete zero in this game without Missy. I feel like Missy clearly has built respect from other players in this game, where I feel Baylor is like the boss’s spoiled kid that everybody has to pretend to like and play with.

Time to go to the votes. I’m guessing that Jon and Jackie stick with Missy and Baylor.

The votes are in and Dale gets the boot. I’m guessing that Jon and Jackie are going to have gruesome Survivor deaths as they have made a deal with the devil.

Recap:

Do I think Missy is the devil? No, but I do think she has zero loyalty to anybody in the game besides Baylor. Of course, that is not a bad thing at all. I use the “devil” term more in describing Jon and Jackie’s situation. I feel like they think they are playing a very savvy smart game with their votes the past two weeks and I think that fork in the road last week when they chose Missy over Kelley is going to lead to their gruesome Survivor deaths. I think the merge will happen and Missy will link up with some of her old blue tribe members, at which point Jon and Jackie will have  gigantic bulls-eyes on their backs and they won’t know what hit them. It will be like a cliché horror movie death where Jon goes to investigate a “strange noise” or Jackie randomly decides to go skinny-dipping at midnight (typical horror movie scenarios).

It’s clear to me that Missy is poised on her side, where Jeremy is anything but. The big scenario to watch out for is whether the merge happens and Jeremy joins Missy to form a super team. I feel like the drop off from Missy, Jeremy, Josh to everybody else is so dramatic that it’s basically a battle among those three to put themselves in the top pole position come merge. I’m saying it right now, the winner of Survivor will be one of those three people. I think Jon and Jackie with their votes the past two weeks have become the catalyst for how this season of Survivor will end. They are like the pitiful restaurant owner in Goodfellas who decides to go into business with the mob. They will get used for every ounce they’re worth, and then when there is no more to take from them, they will be burned down.

The Survivor with the most power right now is Missy, and even if you kiss the ring, it’s too late to change the outcome. Jon and Jackie made that decision for everybody else this season.

 

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