Big Brother

Guest Post: Big Brother 14 Predictions from TheeSoopNazee

The following is the first ever guest post from the Legendary RHAP Live Tweeter, @TheeSoopNazee

Hot damn, let’s pajama jam!

Over the past two days, the greatest 4th of July gift since the late, great Lou Gehrig gave his “Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth” speech to America; Big Brother released its new cast. And what a cast it is.

Ever since the Return of the Robfather was announced alongside the likes of Ashley Underwood (who I thought would be the next Steph), David Murphy (see Cesternino, Fishbach), Ralph Kiser (see Big Tom) and the rest of the Redemption Island cast I loved so much in the pregame, I’ve been quite cautious about giving my heart away again But, just like if Bachelorette Emily and Rachel had a lesbian lovechild; I’m back (to love again) bitches! When I first saw the rush of promos CBS released, my heart fluttered with joy as I saw potential in just about every person that came on to my iPhone screen. Not even the sight of a Hobbit on crack could keep my excitement from boiling over.

I’ll get to the individuals in the cast in a minute, but first, let’s all have a moment of silence for the death of the Glass House. If weak ratings and losing Prime Time Alex Stein #99 weren’t enough, your cast just got blindsided by a far superior squad; before they even set foot in the house. The “soft-core pornography models,” “flat tires,” and Dr. Phil’s biggest fan just weren’t enough; we don’t want normal people on reality shows, we want to be entertained. And that’s what this year’s Big Brother cast will do, potentially very well.

First up, Kara Monaco. But first, let’s all acknowledge that we’re reading a Big Brother blog from someone who has never even been on YouTube, let alone Reality TV. Our lives need some flavour, so here’s what you do. Type “www.google.com” into your browser, click images, turn Safe Search to Off. Then Google Kara Monaco. After about 30 seconds, come back to this blog and click on the Early Bird Special you see to your right. For those of you who do get the feeds, I propose a challenge. We’ll call it the Contest, and the Master of Their Domain gets fifty dol…oh crap, I’m out!*

Kara is a huge Big Brother fan who hasn’t seen the show since Season One. She uses the cliché of making big moves, but will probably float through based on connections with the men. She might feud with the women. But let’s be honest, none of that matters, just go back to Google. Kara is about as 1 as it gets for this Nazee. Soup for you!

What’s this you say? More attractive women? Ashley, the mobile spray tanner, is not only going to assist in rejuvenating the Kleenex business through consumers such as David Healy and Tim Lamaster, but she may also have one of the single greatest job descriptions in Reality TV history.

When I first saw Ashley’s bio, it was like my wiener and my brain were in the middle of a chess match.* I don’t want to like her, but she’s certainly one of the more aesthetically pleasing houseguests. With that being said, I don’t see Ashley as being much of a factor at all. Nothing really stands out in her bio or in her interviews; the best I can hope for here is a Porsche-level ditz. No Soup for You Ashley!

Other than the abundance of attractive women, the newest cast of Big Brother is also great because it’s simply different. I mean, when is the last time we had a flamboyantly gay man on the show? Cue Wil, a marketing consultant. Wil has about as good a shot at winning this thing as Lawon did, but like Lawon, there’s going to be no shortage of entertainment here. I don’t see him having any game, but I do see him yelling into the Diary Room cam, and that’s good enough for me. Soup for you! (Side note: The Cat Ladies’ Knight in Shining Armour himself, Jeff Schroeder, does not condone this section of the blog. It’s perverted, and I need to GTFO.)

In its continued risk taking, Big Brother decided to go out on a limb and cast a short, balding tankerman from Lousiana whose last name is Hantz. That’s right, Willie Hantz, brother to Russell and uncle to Brandon, is going to be the Greatest Houseguest of Alllllll-Tiiiiimmmmme. Well, probably not. I’m not a huge fan of the Hantz family. In fact, I’m not a fan at all. But as a wise podcaster once said, “The worst thing you can be is boring,” and while the Hantzes may be a lot of things, boring isn’t one of them. What’s even better than having a (unconfirmed) nutcase named Hantz in the house is that he also has the aforementioned and to be mentioned beautiful women with him, and whether he’s a carbon copy of Russell or Brandon, that’s a 1. Willie’s going to make great TV. He’s probably going to go far. He’s probably going to get a lot of air time. And despite my distaste for the Hantz name, he’s going to make the Live Feeds that you purchased through RobHasAWebsite.com a heck of a lot more entertaining. Now let’s work on getting him on Season Two of Flipped Off.

Speaking of flipping houses, we have Shane, the first ever house flipper. Can I get odds on Shane saying something along the lines of “My name’s Shane, and I’m going to flip this house upside down!” on the first episode? Overall, I think Shane is the most promising newbie. House Flipping is almost as good as Used Car Salesman, and if you don’t have a Costanza by your side, they could run the gamut and get you for rust proofing, finder’s fee, holding fee, etc.* While I think Shane’s a bright guy who will bring strategy to the game, which also usually equals a one-way ticket out of the Big Brother house. Intelligence is far too big a threat in Big Brother, and I see Shane being given his walking papers early jury. Still, Soup for You Shane!

Now for a couple of people I’m less excited about. Jodi, the “restaurant server,” which is a nice way of saying she’s a 42-year old waitress, and Joe, a 41-year old chef. One said she most liked Britney from Season 2, the other said Chicken George. These two will, unfortunately, probably last quite a ways into the game, and contribute very little. No Soup for You! Next!

Also in the restaurant/food service business is our stereotypical bartender (who really should’ve used VIP Cocktail Waitress), JoJo. JoJo was born to play Big Brother. She reminds me of a Janelle/Jenn/Rachel type player, which is good in so many numbers of ways. This type of woman (I’ll let you draw your own conclusions from that) is generally very good at the challenges, not so great at strategy, and very good for the TV. Soup for You JoJo!

Jenn, the musician from a metal group named Kittie, has just about as much train wreck potential as JoJo. She’ll probably be very intelligent, she’ll probably be good in the challenges, and she’ll probably be an emotional wreck. Win. Win. Win. I can see Jenn going far and being a fan favorite, but there’s no way she’s winning this thing. But once again, Soup for You!

Danielle, the sexy nurse, is also someone who has zero shot at winning this game. She’s hot, but she’s going to be way too annoying. Even after reading her bio I found her to be too happy-go-lucky and positive. As of now, she’s my pick to go home first, unless…

Frank, the unemployed whatever he is, gets in her way of that honor. At first, I actually liked Frank. I thought he’d be a goofy, Ice Cream Scooper Erik-type guy who would keep us entertained. And then I read his bio. Anyone who has a detailed plan coming into the game (cough, Keith, cough) is in big trouble because it’s an indication that they’re not adaptable. It did work for the Brigade, and he does have Hayden Hair, but Frank is destined to play too hard, too fast. No Soup for You!

Finally, we have Ian, the dark haired Cochran that fans will love pregame. But like Cochran, I don’t think he’ll have the social game that it takes to be respected in the game (which could actually be a good thing). Like some of the Houseguest mentioned earlier, I think he’ll be good TV, I just don’t think he’ll be around that long. Sorry Ian, No Soup for You!

Overall, I am ecstatic about the cast. I’m not as happy about the twist of returning players, but based on the rumours of who they are, I’m actually okay with them. This blog will be “Spoiler Free Since 2003” so I won’t mention any names. What I will do is give predictions so that in September we can all come back here and see just how far off base I was;

Early Boots: Frank, Danielle, Ian
Mid-game: Wil, Kara, Shane, Jenn
Late-game: JoJo, Jodi, Joe, Ashley
Winner: Willie

That’s right, for all the wrong reasons, I think Allison Grodner, err, sorry, Willie Hantz, will win Big Brother. We all know the modus operadi for this show. If someone is entertaining enough, they’ll be kept around. The Hantzes always go far, and despite the characters this cast has the potential to bring, I don’t see a lot of big-time strategy going on here. I see Shane being smarter than Willie, JoJo and Jenn being bigger physical threats than Willie, and just about everyone being more likeable than Willie, but in the end, I think he’ll get through once the other targets are gone and be standing at the end with a non-threat. This time, the Hantzes will win the battle against the hot blonde! Amen.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter @TheeSoopNazee and be sure to quit your job, log onto RobHasAWebsite, download the Big Brother live feeds, and stare in awe of Ms. Monaco all summer long!

*Jokes may have been stolen from some random show in the 90s about a group of friends living in New York. I think Jennifer Aniston may have been on it, but no one really remembers it anyway.

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