The Bachelorette

Guest Post: Who is the True Puppet Master of The Bachelorette?

The pressure is on; Emily is picking her final four. Par for the course, Chris Harrison encourages all six guys vying for her heart to get their hopes up. Misery loves company, right, Chrissy Boy?

On the first one-on-one, Arie’s heart is bumping and his wiener is thumping as he walks the streets of Prague, rubbing inlaid metallic signage of dogs representing ‘loyalty’ for the sheer amusement of our reality royalty, Lady Emily. But then, out of nowhere, there is the ex-producer love affair business that befuddles the fug out of Emmy-cakes! Yes! Emily looked so unexpectedly dive-bombed, I was waiting for her to take action against the whole Axis of Evil of Producers at hand. Gloriously, we get her taking it out on Arie by goading him to dish the devilish dirt. Instead, he discusses his mistake of a tattoo. More yes! Wearily, she claims his omission of truth scared her. Here’s to hoping he gets back with the producer during the last two episodes for the sake of spice. I know I am not the only one that would love to see her shit her pants and be emotionally skinned alive by one of these guys in the manner of Ali’s Frank. Oh, but wait, Arie says he loves her, so…puppy dog eyes and a sigh that lies.

Bobble-Chris is such a chode, but you gotta appreciate how much he owns his doucheyness. His shamelessness is getting extremely watchable. I want to see that bobble-head couple of his thrown against a wall sooo hard. Christopher Bobblesworth, at least, owns up to his smarminess, but, instead, delus-John-al gets the next date. The subsequent musical history lessons, paint-parties, and locks-of-love bungling were all too reminiscent of Constantine’s troubled dates with Ashley last season. When the relationship hits the meta, analysis, “oh, no is this a bad sign” kinda place, it is only a matter of time before utter abandonment As Arie put it, John feels the need to “turn it on”. Contrived characters lose, but genuine personalities tend to have a better shot in these emotional pay-off paradigms.

Aw, snap! Chris, Doug and Sean get the groupy. Of course, Sean begins to panic and hunt her down all Predator-style, only way less stealthy and with way more calling her name out like a mental. That God-forsaken, fair-skinned dude was as red as those damn roses when he found her and found himself to be speechless. Surely, words could have described how it felt to be with Emily, he just didn’t have the vocabulary to express it. Doofus: involuntary grinner who uses too much product and thinks about a girl way more than she thinks about him.

Doug was all excited to be roaming around with an umbrella like Mary Poppins so long as he was with his precious Emily. But, then he said “awesome” a couple times and told her how much he wanted to be with her. Then he sounded like he was going to cry, then he crossed his arms like a jerk and started putting up a false guard. He probably is into her more than any of the other guys, but apparently got scared, and doesn’t have the chemical properties to get Em all proper foaming at the mouth. She said he wasn’t moving fast enough, then he moves too fast by going in for the kamikaze-kiss, then she breaks up with him. As we knew, she wants to end up with a good guy that loves her more than he loves himself, which is fair. Gotta say, I dug Doug more than the other losers in his last moments. He reminded me of Rue in Hunger Games and I wanted to sing him off to that big reality show in the sky.

Pow! Down to Sean and Chris: the Keymasters! Time to bend over and unlock the man doors with those man keys; Sean takes her into his creepy bubble first, bleeting, “Meet my mommy! Meet my dadzy!” Chris struggles with his craziness during the adjacent smoochercoursing and makes audiences love to loathe him all the more.

Cut to Jef being stoked. Last dude to get to see her before hometown! Advantage, Water-Skater! All the while, Wolf man worries the full moon will deny him a rose and bring out his hairier side. And Arie continues not to say very much while around other dudes. Is Arie uncomfortable with male dynamics or people in general?

Chris moans on and on! Not the good kind either, thankfully. And he tries not to dwell and talks about not dwelling, but dwells and dwells. Nevertheless, he actually makes up for it with a natural, buyable kiss. Chris cares almost as much as Doug did about Charlotte-Barbie explaining his pushing away, lack of eye-contact, and not taking things personally, when he clearly is. I mean, he dropped a “fricking” up in there at one point. If that ain’t passion, I don’t know what is.

Dr. Will, eat your heart out, Jef is the new puppet-master. He envisions being the happiest man in the world pulling Emily’s strings with his trendy-styling. He wants to be around her because he is around her and would want to be around her more if he spent more time around her. So weird how that works, no? But he lands in the date that is the structurally timed O-face of the episode: an improvised, romantic, puppet show in an old timey library where big feelings can be expressed. Undeniably, this scene was a form of pornography. While porn-porn is meant to arouse lust, girl-porn like the Bachelorette is devised to provoke love. As a viewer, do we want to be made to fall in love with who Emily will inevitably steal from us? Or do we want to be courted by the next Bachelor? Based on editing alone, I purport the possibility of Jef being the next Bachelor: Too weak, lovable, and immature to get Em, but perfect for a doubling down on. How excellent is it that he has a weird relationship with his family too? It was a brilliant move making her insecure about whether his family would accept her! Emily needs to be affirmed more than any of these bros and Jef exploiting that fact is slippery-sweet. And, yes, he did say “I want to date you so hard and marry the f*** out of you”. He is like the James Bond of domestication.

Classically, Mister Harrison stared blankly at Emily while she recapped the mayhem occurring in her emotion-dome. I am not sure he actually heard her when she said she didn’t want to play any games with the boys before the slaughter. When production finally clued Harrison in, the cock-tail party was killed and straight to the delicious heart-smashing we go. Or, wait, Bobble-Boy isn’t feeling right and realizes he took her for granted. At least he knows, that all it takes is one mistake, one rationalization and it is kaput because his last ditch effort saves him for another week, the lucky dude. One wonders whether the pressure of Emily’s image-preservation had something to do with her taking down the Wolf over the sheep.

Next time on the Bachelorette: Emily realizes she will never be satisfied, so yall should just f*** off.

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