Emily, oh, Emily: How deliciously vague she was when she said Brad didn’t live up to her expectations. Frankly, I don’t give a damn, considering she is adorable and definitely worth giving an entire season to based on hotness alone.
Admittedly, I didn’t see what Brad saw in her during his season, other than her uber-hotness, but jeez, that is what it is all about when it comes to ABC dating shows, no? If Brad had a brain, we wouldn’t have had an Ashley season… which means we would have never endured the villainous glory that was Bentley, so hooray for hot.
Indeed, Emily Maynard, you are the Disney Princess they have been waiting to have as the Bachelorette. Amazingly, breathtakingly, smoking, and with a serious hiccup: a kid; Not only a kid, but the spawn of a tragic relationship that ended in Lost-esque, skyfalling, heartbreak. Losing a mate might have meant more if she hadn’t been all of 21ish when it happened. Not trying to slight the loss, but at 26, claiming to want to breed an army of babies with an inevitable suitor via a dating show doesn’t paint you the most realistic of figures. Nevertheless, you are a reliable cartoonish, Disney Princess all the way.
The irony of this season has less to do with Emily’s rushing into baby-making mode than it does with the host, Chris Harrison’s, own divorce. How seriously can an audience take a host of a dating show that can’t seem to get love right himself… or is that what makes him all the more relatable? Either way, Harrison has always seemed more muppet than man. But, once again, it really doesn’t matter. There will be heartbreak and smoochies and that is all that matters.
Enter the suitors. Twenty-five supposedly eligible bachelors enter the North Carolina mansion in hopes to win the heart of single-mom, Emily. To be honest, none really seem to stack up to her aesthetic beauty, but that might have more to do with the descending clout of the program itself. Nevertheless, there are a handful of duders that seem to cut the mustard for America’s new sweetheart. Of course, the more interesting guys are the ones delusional and hopeless. Mmm… reality.
Most notably of those axed by the discerning Emily this week was the disgustingly-cut guy and the geezer with six kids. First off, the guy who decided to show America his chiseled physique, post-dump, only ended up making audiences wretch with a narcissistic priorities. He should have worried more about his inability to color-coordinate than showing off his barf-tastic abs. Pink on purple? Really?!
Then, tragically, there was the fellow who boasted his six offspring to Emily like it was a facet she might find super-sexy. First off, to have six kids is simply irresponsible, and to boot, he was short and ridden with moles. I know, I know, it is not fair to be so aesthetically judgmental, but when Emily made it clear at the top of the show she was looking for someone to seed her repeatedly, a guy with six kids is not a viable option. His exit interview was really really sad…and exactly why the show is worth watching. For goodness sake, he was 41 and she was 26 – get real.
In terms of who has a shot with her: helicopter dude doesn’t and it will be glorious to watch him get burned. Heli-Kaylon deserves public heart-break more than most. Unfortunately, the big-eared freak who was railing on him has even less of a shot, but I appreciate his rabidity. It seems to me this is really a two man game from the start: Single dad, first impression-rose-getter, Doug, might snag her, but the severe brow and inability to talk about anything but his kid is a future hurdle. Then there is Chris, who gifted her with a pair of bobble-heads. I think this Chicagoan has a chance at running the game and winning her heart in the end. They seem compatible and he has an intellectual prowess that could help him subvert the competition.
In the end, I want Emily to be happy, but then think about the ridiculous insurance pay-out she must have gotten from her deceased race-car-driver hubby’s death and I begin to think more cynically. She’ll end up on her feet no matter how this show goes. Let there be heartbreak across the board, if the producers know what’s good for us.
-Parasocial Dude out-
Check out a trailer for Parasocial Dude’s upcoming web series, Dream2Movie: