Big BrotherBig Brother 14

Baker’s Dozen: Does Shanielle Have Any Juice Left?

Shane and Danielle squeeze the Juice on Big Brother 14 Squeeze me, Shane! SQUEEZE ME!

Andy BakerThe following is a guest post from Rob Has a Website Contributor, Andy Baker

Here they are, fresh from the oven and spoiler free!

1) So, Frank nominated the obvious targets, Joe and Wil. I’m tempted to call this boring, but really, I can’t fault Frank for following the path of least resistance; when you have the opportunity to emerge from your week as HoH without getting anyone angry, you have to seize it. And really, are these two potential targets all that bad? If you let Joe stick around a few more weeks, he’ll suddenly rise to the top of the “I want to sit next to him at the finale” rankings because he’s annoying and clueless, while Wil is smart, perceptive, and savvy enough to position himself as a swing vote as the endgame approaches. Frank would do well to be rid of both of them, and no matter who goes, the other houseguests will approve.

2) That said, I would LOVE if Frank ignored Boogie and tried to backdoor Dan. First, it would give us some hope that the newbies won’t blindly follow orders; second, it wouldn’t be THAT hard to rally the votes, given that Dan’s a threat; and third, it makes all the sense in the world if you’re Frank. Here’s why: To remain Boogie’s #1 endgame option, Frank has to remove all of the other attractive possibilities. If Boogie feels that the jury won’t vote for him unless he’s up against another former champ, Boogie will keep Dan over Frank. If Frank takes out Dan, though, the only real narrative left for Boogie to spin to the jury is, “Frank doesn’t get to the end without me, but I could have gotten here without Frank.” With Dan gone, Boogie will be fighting tooth and nail to keep Frank in the house… and that’s just the sort of protection Frank needs.

3) And yet, there’s no way Frank will defy Boogie. ZERO CHANCE. Grodner’s plan is working to perfection: At this point, the newbies, even the strong ones, are incapable of independent thought. Sigh.

4) Open question: Did Wil really “sense” that there was a large alliance in the house, or does this knowledge come from Dan’s diary room leak? If the latter, then a production screw-up led directly to a player getting nominated (even if Wil made matters worse by being elusive and noncommittal). How, after a dozen years, can a game-changing mistake like this be made? There are really only two explanations: producer manipulation (a charge vehemently denied by one of the exec producers) or rank incompetence. So which is it, CBS? And what do you plan to do about it?

5) As I thought about the blandness of Frank’s nominations, I realized that they highlight the central struggle for competitive reality shows: What players want is the exact opposite of what viewers want. The players seek cooperation and control; viewers want conflict and chaos. To control the game, though, is to make it predictable; to make it predictable is to make it boring; and to make it boring is to make it pointless. If there’s one reason why the BB producers have been increasingly overt with their manipulations of the game, it is this: If they didn’t make the experience (and cast members) as volatile as possible, eventually, we would stop watching… because who wants to watch a guy like Dan, the epitome of inoffensive strategy, win every season?

6) You have to admire, however begrudgingly, the delusional tenacity of the BB producers; despite growing audience awareness that Shane just isn’t interested in Danielle, they simply won’t give up on the Shanielle Showmance. Here’s the thing: The metal grate from the Have/Have Not competition juicing station got more ShaneOMac thrusting action than Danielle ever will. (And I guarantee you, Danielle was insanely jealous of the grate and ready to stab it with a kitchen knife until the BB clean-up crew took it away.)

7) Since we’re talking about sex and romance, how about that visit to Frank’s HoH room? Wil openly admires the photo of Frank with long blonde hair – and Shane immediately comments on Frank in jean shorts. Love triangle, anyone? (Seriously, who wouldn’t want to see how Danielle would react to Shane and Wil fighting over Frank? The potential for comedy and horror would be off the charts. Admit it: You’d be riveted to the feeds. I know I would.)

8) I wonder, was there a picture of Percocet on Ashley’s Big Brother dream board? Because that dream is coming true, much to our viewing pleasure! Maybe the BB producers are watching Glass House and are realizing that there’s more drama when the players are operating under the influence? (And now I really want to see a heavily-medicated Ashley sit five feet away from Shane, drooling as she watches him work out… would Danielle strangle her? And what would Ian do? Hey, maybe Ian and Danielle could have a grudge hook-up! That would be AWESOME. That clinches it: Percocet for everybody!)

9) Of COURSE, Ian thinks glossy black NASA hats are the epitome of cool. God forbid that they let the boy be something more than a geek caricature. I know Ian brings a lot of this on himself (like choosing to spend a day as a dog), but c’mon, give your viewers some credit.

10) I don’t know which is worse – Boogie’s lame line about lemons and lemonade after the H/HN challenge, or Danielle’s quote about eating cod (which took place shortly after the sexually suggestive slow-motion footage of her and Shane): “It’s really gooey when you swallow it, and it smells bad. Yuck.” Way to keep it classy, producers!

11) Fortunes rising: Jenn, who, other than Danielle’s comment about having a lesbian jumping on her, was once again invisible. Proof that she isn’t perceived as a threat: Team Lime didn’t fill up her jars during the H/HN competition. Is there any way at this point that Jenn doesn’t end up as one of the last newbies in the house?

12) Fortunes falling: Wil, who appears to be fundamentally incapable of groveling. Frank and Boogie needed to hear Wil say that he wouldn’t put them up next week, but he refused to obey the Reality Show Third Commandment (Thou shalt tell them what they want to hear) and will most likely pay the ultimate price for this mortal sin. A shame, really, because Wil could be very, very good at this game.

13) Prediction time: If they’re smart, they’ll backdoor Dan… if they’re wise, they’ll evict Wil… and if they’re safe, they’ll take out Joe. The collective house IQ isn’t that high, but they ARE in threat-eliminating mode. So I’m going to say wisdom wins out and Wil goes home on Thursday. WHICH MEANS MORE JOE, AND THAT’S JUST WHAT WE WANT, RIGHT? HERE’S AN IDEA: CAN WE HAVE A DAN/JOE YELL-OFF NEXT WEEK? LOSER HAS TO SHUT UP FOR THE REST OF THE GAME. WHO’S WITH ME?!

That’s it for this edition of The Baker’s Dozen – check in again on Friday, follow me on Twitter (@GetOnSurvivor) and if you want, leave me a comment below!

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