A Bachelorette Guest Post from Parasocial Dude
First and foremost, did Emily really say, “To be honest, I really hate watching guys compete.” What the hell show does she think she’s on? Worst Bachelorette ever! Bring on the Courtney season already, where we all know there will be blood!
Now then, having already established Lady Maynard to be a two-dimensional Disney princess in search of a fictional Prince Charming, I have found only one character that mildly resembles a romantic animated lead capable of winning her cardiac muscle. But first he must overcome the villainous players attempting to thwart their happy ending. Our soon-to-be-mentioned hero was surrounded by Big Bads this week during the Boats and Hoes group date as a member of the victorious yellow team. But first, a breakdown of the analogous antagonists:
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast is the cocky fug Ryan. As Gaston sings it, “Here in town there’s only she/Who is beautiful as me/So I’m making plans to woo and marry Belle.” Ryan and Gaston love themselves way more than they could ever love any gal and view beauty an appraisable commodity. Episode four delivered our first true glimpse into why Ryan is really in this game: to be the next Bachelor. He thinks he is good enough, smart enough, and doggonit, people like him…or do they? The only candid interaction with one of the guys he has is with the long-haired, deject, Michael, whom only appeared to tolerate him so Ryan could embarrass himself by thoroughly sucking his own knee-caps.
Strangely, Emily came off demonstrating a little of the wisdom inherent to Belle. While possibly the Disney princess she is least like, she acknowledged that Ryan’s motives were selfish and that he was a manipulative prig-fish. He is losing her with all this talk of doing stuff “on” her. Last week was his threat not to love “on” her if she got fat and this week he didn’t just want to make an impression, but to make an impression on her; once again, highlighting his seeing her as a thing and not a person.
Then we have Prince John from Robin Hood as the privileged, juvenile Jef. Like the heir to the throne of an authority that no man deserves to simply inherit, Jef is the CEO of a bottled water company. Even before Penn and Teller’s Bullshit called out the absurdity of charging for something readily accessible via the tap, for anyone with half a brain, bottled water parallels the stupidity-tax placed on lottery enthusiasts. In the same way the thumb sucking, ear-pulling animated prince in Robin Hood can never grow up, Jeff will continue having a convoluted sense of worth having never actually worked for something. Royalty and bottled water purveyors should all be rounded up and drowned like the rats they are. Get a real job, jerk-faces.
Emily as the cartoon Maid Marian works only in that she is relatively foxy.
Then there is Hopper from A Bug’s Life reflecting the likes of Chopper-Boy, Kalon, all too well. A deadly force swooping in from above, he is willing to crush any ant that gets in his way. “It’s a bug-eat-bug world out there, princess. One of those Circle of Life kind of things. Now let me tell you how things are supposed to work: The sun grows the food, the ants pick the food, the grasshoppers eat the food.” Kalon, like Hopper, have a similar condescension that is based less on their looks than their status. Each misuses his power expecting women to be wooed by their ability to circumvent Darwinian law. Instead, by emphasizing their compensatory tactics, they end up framing themselves unrelatable overlords. Unsurprisingly, Kalon earned no one-on-one time with Emily during the group date, despite being the one most creditable for winning the sailing challenge for the team.
Emily as the CGIed insect Princess Atta doesn’t really fit beyond the comparable brain size and disturbing relationship with her mother.
So, who is left? You guessed it, Arie, aka Lightening McQueen from Cars. Appropriately, the worst Disney-Pixar collaboration ever released would hold the most applicable character match to Emily’s aspirations. Emily seems into Arie in a way I haven’t seen with the others. She seems the most comfortable with him and it was telling that she sought a make-out session with him after the Alejandro “compromise” debacle last week. While his kissing skills leave much to be desired, Emily is proving herself to be a creature of habit. Like the very uninspired Lightening McQueen, Arie is a hot-rod with the ability to slip into Ricky’s wheels. More and more they appear to be racing to the finish line of this thing together. He is also one of the only heavy-hitting suitors she hasn’t blurted her preoccupation with how good looking he is to his face. She finds him an exciting, non-threatening pairing that she can rely on staying true. Like the happy-go-lucky sports car in Cars, Arie has the perfect specs to rev Emily’s maternal engine.
And, yes, Emily is the most comparable to Sally Carrera, a high-maintenance, over-priced blue Porsche; A totally unreasonable purchase, but damned if she doesn’t sparkle and shine. Plus, Emily wants nothing more than to be steered through life.
And now a quick recap of other notable business this episode:
Doug’s one-on-one revealed he is too Bradesque and ultimately tailoring his answers to her. But what it really boils down to is that she wants a guy that is able to love her kid from a previous relationship, but that she isn’t willing to reciprocate that “compromise”. Additionally, Doug admitted he lost his last girlfriend because he “didn’t clean out her car enough” and we know how Emily feels about motor vehicles. He blew it right then and there.
Two-on-ones have the potential to be the most fun of the season, but instead, we are given two guys we don’t give a toot about. The only thing that John the Wolf has going for him is the chance he might eat Emily’s face off; Please let that happen. Hopefully, the production team drops epic amounts of bath salt into the hot tub. And poor Nate; when will dudes learn not to cry like a twenty-five year old on the first date?
Speaking of which, we get a The Bobble-head v. The Brow battle. While I was team Bobble-head before this ageist argument, I am now firmly against both these whiney brats.
Finally, we lose Face-plant and Pony-tail. Charlie’s demise caught me off-guard, but chances are he won’t remember being dumped with all the brain damage anyway.
? ?Ah… Girl look at that body ? ? Ah… I DON’T work out ? ?