Big Brother

Baker’s Dozen: Expect the Expected with Big Brother’s Latest Twist

Andy BakerThe following is a guest post from Rob Has a Website Contributor, Andy Baker

 

As I eagerly anticipate the Hantz family Flipped Off/Cops crossover episode next season, please allow me to share my thoughts on Wednesday and Thursday nights’ episode of BB. As always, this blog entry is spoiler-free, wife-edited and mother-approved.

1) Bye, Jojo! Two things to remember as you head back to Staten Island: 1) Big Brother, much like life itself, tends to punish those who think they’re more deserving than others, and 2) Diamond studs on your neck and lip just aren’t attractive. (On a related note, when Jojo emerged from the BB house, I realized that it must be far easier, emotionally, to face the BB walk of shame then the torch snuff exit of tribal council in Survivor. In the former, a live studio audience applauds and gives you high-fives, and Julie’s there to ask you some awkward questions; in the latter, you walk away, alone, down a dark and treacherous path, where you’ll eventually be greeted by a car, a driver, and a psychologist. While I’d far rather play Survivor, being voted out would be far, far worse than being evicted.)

2) Shane’s the new HoH… and I really can’t muster much enthusiasm. His week-long reign is going to be boring and uneventful, largely because he wants everyone to like him. The more I think about this, though, the more I wonder who would have been an interesting HoH this week? Anyone? Maybe one of the floaters, just so we could get a glimpse of their gameplay – but it’s safe to say that all of those players (Jenn and Ashley chief among them) were throwing the HoH competition. Ah, hell, what does it matter anyway? The houseguests are in a holding pattern, waiting for the Coaches to join the game – just as we are.

3) Speaking of the Coaches entering the game, how can the Chenbot call this a “twist” with a straight face? There is NO WAY the vote ends with the Coaches remaining Coaches; casual viewers, and BB producers, love them their returning players. The only interesting facet of this twist is the wording: The Coaches will get to CHOOSE if they enter the game. While it would be fun to speculate what would happen if only one or two wanted to become players – would the rest remain Coaches and re-draft? – there’s no point. They’re all coming back – for redemption (Janelle), for relevance (Britney), for the chance to step out of the shadow of Dr. Will’s greatness (Boogie), and for a second ring and a strong argument for the title of best BB player of all time (Dan). As predicted, the BB producers protected their favorites for the first three weeks of the game and are now going to release them, like rabid, hungry wolves, on a bunch of sheep. Let the bloodbath begin.

4) At what point will network Standards and Practices look at challenges like this week’s Power of Veto competition and say, “You know, it might be wise to stop being so offensive with your cultural stereotypes.” For a show that’s already under fire for its alarming lack of casting diversity, how smart is it to go from a rap-themed Coaches competition to a Mexican food PoV battle that screams “culinary stereotyping.” I’m sure that the people who create these games aren’t trying to insult anyone, but there’s gotta be a suit somewhere in the CBS power structure who is sharp enough to say “Enough already!”

5) Danielle is BOY-CRAZY. BONKERS. GUANO-INSANE. There’s plenty of proof, from her tears over Shane siding with Jojo, to her interrogation of Ian about the Shane/Jojo pillow talk, to her chat with Janelle and Ashley about “boys” which she swiftly turned into a conversation about Shane. But this is the week where it’s all going to come out: She’s going to want to spend a ton of time with Shane in the HoH bedroom, and one of two things is going to happen. Either he rejects her (drama!), or they hook up and THEN he rejects her (DRAMAZ!!!). Honestly, given that this week is probably going to be really boring on the strategy front, this is our best bet for some live feed insanity. Don’t let me down, Danielle – release the beast!

6) Dr. Will had the “You’re paying me in cash, right?” look in his eyes during his segment, didn’t he? Or maybe that moisturizing cream he sells on QVC keeps his features from expressing anything resembling human emotion. I respect you immensely, Dr. Will – even if Dan wins after he gets his key next week, you’re still the best BB player of all time – but dude, allow yourself to age naturally. Oh, and as for your pick for Ian to win it all – care to make a wager? Ian’s going to try to rally the troops to take out the former Coaches, and that’s going to end badly for him.

7) Did a BB producer think, “Hey, here’s what will make us more relevant: remix the intro music and infuse it with a little trip-hop!” Yeah, totally worked! Everything about the show feels so fresh and new now.

8) Someone remind me – which BB player was it who thought there were 27 letters in the alphabet (“x, y, AND, z”)? Because whoever that was now has some serious competition for Dimmest Houseguest of All Time: Ashley’s use of “emancipated” instead of “emaciated” is her defining moment thus far, but the BB producers have embraced every opportunity to make this poor girl look like a fool. Here’s the thing: There are times when I think she’s going to pull a Verbal Kint/“Usual Suspects” on us and suddenly reveal that she’s brilliant. But then it finally hit me: Ashley has convinced herself that she’s playing dumb while not quite realizing that she really is. Which might be a kind of genius when you think about it.

9) A list of annoying things: Frank’s blinking, Ian’s head movement whenever he’s answering a question, and Danielle’s makeup abuse (live feeders, how long does it take for her to trowel on the foundation in the morning? I really want to know).

10) Line of the night: “He wants to board the Staten Island Ferry.” Ian, referring to Shane’s flirting with Jojo. I know this makes me a bad person, but I really want to see Shane hit on Ashley, Janelle, Britney, Jenn and Wil – in any order and/or combination – just so that we can witness Danielle unleashing her inner Hantz on Shane.

11) Fortunes rising: The Coaches. They’re going to enter the game… they’re going to run the game… and one of them is going to win the game. Sigh.

12) Fortunes falling: The Newbies. Which is more likely: The seven remaining newbies banding together and systematically removing the Coaches… OR, the newbies joining forces with the Coaches to take out threats like Shane and Frank and then being shocked when the Coaches reward their loyalty by turning on them? Yeah, the noobs are screwed.

13) Prediction time: Shane is a guy who likes to be liked… so unless his deal with Frank is a legitimate one, he’s going to target Frank, either as a nominee or a backdoor candidate, because everyone expects him to. As for a second nomination, Shane’s going to want to avoid making enemies, so he might go down the path of least resistance and put up a floater like Joe or Jenn. The more I think about it, the more I see Shane and Frank working together until the Coaches come into the game (they’ll need each other), which means that this is going to be a week when a floater loses his life vest. Sorry, Joe – it’s your turn to go.

That’s it for this edition of The Baker’s Dozen – see ya Monday!

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