A Celebrity Apprentice guest post from Jordan Kalish
(See the numbers in red and the answer key below to find out the “number” for every person mentioned in this blog)
O-M-God! The Celebrity Apprentice is really getting crazy now thanks to a few breakout characters. People are finally arguing and legitimately seem to dislike each other, which makes for a promising rest of the season. This week’s MVP even brought back shades of Gary Busey 1.
Episode 5 MVP: Lou Ferrigno 2
If Lou Ferrigno lost as project manager, he would have been fired. A few weeks ago his departure wouldn’t have bothered me, but he’s really stepped up his game. By that, I mean he has reached a level of delusion only surpassed on the Celebrity Apprentice by the great Gary Busey.
Lou should host a show called ‘How to incorporate The Hulk in 80 ways’. He has tried to star as The Hulk in each task more than Debbie Deborah Gibson 3 has sung her stupid song. He thinks that people love him as an actor, and Donald Trump 4 only aids in his separation from reality when he sucks Lou’s kneecaps in the boardroom each week. Rob 5 has often said on the podcast that someone who perceives himself much differently than the way others perceive him makes a great reality TV contestant. Lou is a perfect testament to this theory.
The Hulk’s delusions caused him to say some pretty hilarious things in this episode. In the boardroom, right after saying that “everyone is handicapped spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally” he said that he is not handicapped and just has a disability. Basically, he implied that everyone has a handicap besides him. While looking at the fairly capable members of his team, this notion is laughable.
His best quote of the episode came right before his mop dance, for which I give him a lot of credit. He said, “I’ve danced in the past, I’m very flexible. I have control of all the muscles in my body and I’m gonna show how a big man can move his butt just like a woman.” Of course he couldn’t just dance, he had to let us know how great and experienced he was in classic Lou Ferrigno fashion. Also, the only male celebrities that have the right to talk about their ability to perform like women are Dee Snider 6 and Clay Aiken 7.
It’s important to note that Aubrey O’Day 8 is just as deserving of the MVP, but I gave it to Lou because she got it last week. Again she was funny, confrontational and if anyone was condescending in this episode, it wasn’t Penn Jillete 9, it was Aubrey. She and Lisa Lampenelli 10 should both make it far, not only due to their creative abilities in the tasks, but also for their propensity to cause confrontation.
Unintentional Inappropriate Comments
There were some really good unintentional inappropriate quotes last week, and this week’s were even better. If they continue, I’ll keep on including them in the blogs.
1. Trump to Lou: “You do get up, don’t you?” Lou: “I get up every time.”
2. Penn: “I’m enormous.”
3. Dayana 11 to the flower shop: “Do you guys have penis?” And then to Tia 12: “Do you want penis?” (OK, she meant peonies, but she said penis.)
The Trump Factor
This wasn’t a huge episode for the Trump family, but Donnie Douche 13 put himself even further in the dog house, which luckily for the Trumps is a mansion in Westchester, when he tried to egg on his father to say how many women he’s slept with. This of course came on the heels of calling The Donald gay a few weeks ago.
“What’s Their Number” Answer Key:
2: 5 as himself, 100 as The Hulk
6: 10 as a man, 20 as a woman
7: 6 (0 pre-Idol)
8: They still haven’t come up with a number that high
11: 13 lucky bastards
12: 50, one for each year