Survivor Kaoh Rong

Casual Survivor: Three Bully Goats Gruff

Welcome to Casual Survivor, a blog in which I paraphrase the sentiment of quotes made by the casual Survivor community and rank the contestants from that vantage point. If you are looking for consistency in logic within the same sentence or a lack of hypocrisy, then this is not the blog for you. Most of the views will be emotionally based, and on occasion, some comments may prove to be correct by mere chance.

My theory on why some among us vehemently deplore casual fans is that we are all one emotional outburst away from becoming a casual again. Each of us has transmuted from someone who watched the game because of the concept, remained watching because we liked some of the characters, and became hardcore fans because we understood the strategy involved in the game. At one point (and even now), we have probably all felt like the casual viewers: We like a contestant and despise anyone who plays for the million to benefit himself/herself rather than our favorite.  Personally, I could not get over the fact that anyone would vote for Jenna Morasca who threatened to quit and could neither catch fish nor speak seven languages like Matt. And don’t get me started on how I despised that the younger women used their sex appeal to advance in that season. I liked Deena and Christy for having survival skills, but I wanted Matt to win—not Rob whom I viewed as a typical frat boy back then– Mateo.

While it may seem as if I am mocking our casual fanbase, who are the reason Survivor is still on the air, I prefer to think I’m reminiscing of a time when I might have posted something similar (albeit without many of the spelling and usage mistakes). Fine—I probably would not actually post something so arcane, but I might have thought it…the normal stuff not the outlandish tirades. Thank goodness social media did not exist when I was a casual, and the only thing left to testify to my outbursts is the television I said these things to, which now resides in a landfill.

Eighteen contestants, thirty-nine days, thousands of pointless, repetitive comments… This is Casual Survivor…

 

“All I could think of was Boston Rob’s nephew or cousin–whoever he is– when Jeff didn’t make them go to Tribal Council and he went home. That should happen to Jason and Scot.” 

“Scot and Jason showed the most disgusting behavior ever seen on this show. I’m so disappointed in Tai.”

 

Facts should never get in the way of a good rant. Like a fine wine, a comment should be appreciated for its subtle notes and savored. The first comment is not concerned with what actually happened, but just with the part in which there was no Tribal Council and that said nephew was banished from the island. Most responses to the comment corrected the uncle’s name. Russell…Boston Rob…same same…had a nephew who sabotaged camp. It doesn’t matter that Brandon was removed from the game because he became unsafe for others as well as himself and actually had a breakdown. He dumped the rice and physically threatened other players, which is now logically equated to hiding a machete and putting out a fire, so Jason and Scot should be sent packing. That or Jeff should rub their shoulders vigorously.

When I read this comment, I heard a voice. Not the type Nick hears in his blogs (Check out my  April Fools imitation of Nick’s blog style) or the type that requires medication and hospitalization, but a character voice. There is a scene in White Chicks in which the characters are playing The Dozens and Tiffany’s line is:

Then she nods her head as if she won and everyone looks baffled. The first comment reads like that to me. I’m bumpuzzled.

The second quote also demonstrates a lack of viewing history, yet the commenter is passionately committed to his exaggeration.  Are Jason and Scot’s antics really worse than Rupert proudly stealing shoes with “Troubled Teens Mentor” displayed on the chiron,  J’Tia dumping rice because she lost a challenge, Brandon threatening to pee on the rice and beans, Colton’s racist mocking of Christina, or Ozzy’s dreadful acting ability? I think not. I’d like to imagine this comment comes from Whitney Duncan and is being addressed to Jason and Scot in her “You disgust me” tone with Sue Hawk chiming in to say how disappointed she is in Tai and spouting off vitriol complete with some chicken and snake parable. I suppose those guys would respond with their usual “Wonder Twins powers activate” line as they pour more water on the fire. They have probably developed a fire extinguishing ritual in which they chant incantations to make the super-idol more powerful and somehow use a chicken feather or fashion someone’s hair into a doll. That would be a better secret scene than commentary about the challenge. If we’re going to demonize these guys, let’s go all out and give them some real mojo.

In the casual world, our favorites can behave like infants, but that’s okay.  It doesn’t matter if someone like Joe pours water on a fire to psychologically harm someone like Jason. That’s fighting back even if it’s an offensive move rather than defensive. Rupert was considered cute for sulking when the spear was lost and one-upping Shawn and Burton when they went out fishing.  He behaved like a troubled teen himself at times, but people ate that up. Jason and Scot, in contrast to Rupert, behave like real pirates, not Hollywood pirates; thus, only a small cross-section of the casual fandom like them. These fans are probably the same people whose cars sported: My child beat up your Student of the Week at XYZ Middle School as bumper stickers in the 1990s, but a fan’s a fan and they have theirs.

Another favorite in the casual world was Jane–the Jane who stopped helping her tribe and made vicious comments about Marty’s family, not that Marty did anything to really deserve that. She was a bitter old broad, but the kind of bitter old broad who loves dogs, country music, and Jesus unlike chess master Marty who is probably a classical music loving secular humanist with cats. Not that there’s anything wrong with either paradigm—it’s just that morality really has little to do with it in the true philosophical sense. Perhaps Jason should roar more and wear a skirt, Scot should do a fish dance and stalk Chase Rice, and Tai should stand atop a coconut palm with Mark the Chicken after making alliances with women based on their bra sizes.

This week, I conjured up in my mind that our comment writers probably missed the part in which Cydney and Aubry flipped the votes to Debbie due to live mean tweeting sessions with Jason and Scot. With all the hypocrisy and confusion I can summon, here are this week’s rankings from the viewpoint of our typical can’t-be-bothered-to fact-check viewer in rant form.

ARCHETYPE: I HATE BULLIES

POWER RANKINGS

The Hated

  1. Scot

Scot used to play in the NBA. THE NBA! You’d think he’d be a good sport about losing, but he’s a bully.  You know what we should call Scot for putting out the fire? The Not-So-Jolly, Mean Giant. He’s an ogre and all he does is bully people. Scot doesn’t even know how to play the game. He had the chance to join the Brain alliance, but he joined up with Jason, his mean friend, again just so they could lie around and make fun of people as if they are in charge. He was lucky to win immunity at that basketball reward challenge because he’s tall; otherwise, his team might have voted him off then.

Last week, I liked his story about helping his mother, but now not so much since they voted for Debbie.  Being nice to his mother does not excuse his bad behavior and Debbie is like a mother figure–so much for honoring thy mother. Didn’t Scot say he was religious?

Plus, he’s a sociopath.  He stole the ax and the machete. How will he eat now? Did he think about what he’ll do without those?

And that rock-paper-scissors bit was so cheap. Malcolm (sigh) did the Three Amigos move better, and unlike Scot, he didn’t need to use his friend’s idol. Now that Scot burned his idol, we’ll see how tough he is.

  1. Jason

He’s such a bully! He was mean to Alecia who stayed for five hours making fire with flint. FIVE HOURS! While some said it showed her lack of basic survival skills, I think it showed dedication, unlike that Michele who started it in two seconds after Jason put the fire out.  America needs more people like Alecia.  She’s hardworking.

Jason, on the other hand, says he loves his daughter but is mean to the women and Joe. How does that show respect for his daughter or his father? He’s hoping to win for his daughter, but he targets females? Really? That’s not strategic. He’s what is wrong with current Survivor players…always putting family before his tribe members. Is your family going to help in the challenges?

Now Jason is bullying everyone again. He just sleeps all day and bullies people. I can’t even! You’d think a muscular guy would have more energy since he has a lot of fat for his body to live off of. He and that basketball player should be disqualified. And what is with his hair?! First, he tries to imitate Joe Anglim (sigh) with his man-bun and now he has Joe’s flowing hair. Ugh! He’s no Joe, more like Fro-Shambo, which is what I thought he said because who calls it rochambeau–bounty hunters from Michigan?

  1. Tai

Sneaky, sneaky! Tai is a bully now, too. I am so disappointed in him. He respects all living creatures, but he voted for Debbie with the other two guys and Julia. That’s not respectful, especially because she wanted him in her alliance and told him to be in it. He put out the fire while they were sleeping! Now people might think Scot did it, so he’s not even brave enough to bully them to their faces. That’s not good gameplay! He should have told Joe he put out the fire, but instead, he asks if there are embers?!  Tai should own it! A real survivor would.

He put out the fire while they were sleeping! Now people might think Scot did it, so he’s not even brave enough to bully them to their faces. That’s not good gameplay! He should have told Joe he put out the fire, but instead, he asks if there are embers?!  Tai should own it! A real survivor would.

And his chicken is annoying. They are starving and they should eat the chicken, but Tai won’t let them. They don’t even have a fire now, so the protein from cooking the chicken is more important than ever. Tai should pay attention to the women as much as he does that chicken.  If he did, they would let him in their alliance.

I hope Tai takes both idols and forms a new alliance, but he won’t because he is a chicken. Ha, ha. He’s a chicken. I’m going to tweet that. #TaiChicken

  1. Julia

She is such a defector. She should help Cydney and Aubry get rid of the guys, but instead, she votes with the guys for Debbie. She’s not loyal. Those guys are going to use her to get to the end because she doesn’t do anything. She was lucky at that Immunity Challenge because Debbie and Michele stacked their dominoes incorrectly. Because of her, Debbie didn’t win immunity and was targeted; otherwise, the guys would have voted for Cydney with her.

She goes to Boston University? Do people even know where that is? Who cares about the fact that she’s a student or the youngest player? She hasn’t made a big move. She should have stuck with Cydney and Aubry to vote out Scot and that would help her game. That would be a huge move for the women, but now she is playing with the bullies. Julia should just lie out in the sun like that other teenager who almost beat Boston Rob. She doesn’t know how to play for the million.

The Tolerated (Because They Hate the Same People I Hate)

  1. Cydney

If Cydney keeps turning on her allies, she’ll never win. She was top five with Jason, Nick, Scot, and Tai. Why would she vote out Nick? It’s not as if he’d remain loyal to Michele after she said on camera that she doesn’t need his protection. Dumb move!

Having said that, at least Cydney made a big move, voted for Scot, and got Scot to play his idol, but now Debbie is gone. Cydney needs to win every challenge because the women are outnumbered without Debbie, which means it isn’t a good women’s alliance. A good women’s alliance needs a lot of women or why call it that? She needs to watch out for Aubry, though. That woman is a snake, and possibly a man in terms of a women’s alliance.

  1. Aubry

Aubry is paranoid or something. She wants to vote for Julia, then she wants to vote for Debbie, and she ends up voting for Cydney! Cydney? The votes were so confusing this episode. My head hurts! What about voting for Scot? I don’t get it! At least that way, they could make a fire.

Aubry doesn’t like the bullies, though. I like her for that. I still don’t get why she chose Cydney, but I guess because Cydney spoke to Julia about voting for Scot. And then Julia votes for Debbie! What a two-timer! It was such an exciting vote nevertheless.

Aubry’s the kiss of death. First, she takes out Liz and Peter, then she gets antibiotics but Neal does not (very suspicious), and now since she voted for Cydney, she sent Debbie home. With only one Brain left, she’ll target Joe next.  Unfortunately, you don’t win by being the last Brain standing. I hope she targets the Bullies next week. They sound like a tribe. They should call this season Brains v Brawn v Beauty v Bullies! Ha! I should write that on the Survivor Facebook page.

The Beloved

  1. Joe

Joe is playing a great game just like Joe (sigh) did last season. He’s 72 and it’s hard for him to keep up at the challenges, but he’s always helping out at camp. Half of Survivor is camp life and camping skills help you advance. Rupert won a million by fishing and keeping the fire going! Maybe Joe can do the same.

People make fun of Joe for not knowing what is happening, but all he has to do is sit back and watch the others implode. He’s not making sneaky moves like Julia or crazy moves to backstab his own alliance like Aubry, and he’s certainly not a bully. Joe keeps the fire going even after Scot pours water on it and he’s loyal. It’s like Coach said, “honesty, loyalty, and integrity”. That’s how you win Survivor!

I hope Joe wins challenges and the game.

  1. Michele

I love Michele! When she said, “Bro, I know” to Nick because he was telling her they were going to vote her out, she was right. What does Nick know? They didn’t vote her out: Peter went home. Now she’s telling Scot he’s immature. She doesn’t like men to talk to her disrespectfully. Good for her. That’s what the head of a women’s alliance should look like. And Scot is immature. I hope with Nick gone she plays with Aubry and Cydney because Michele can beat them. Aubry’s confused and disloyal, and Cydney wasn’t able to get Scot out because he played an idol. They have nothing to show for themselves, but Michele started the fire and she helps Joe.

Another main difference between Michele and Aubry is that Michele felt bad when she voted Nick out. That means she’s loyal and deserves to win. Aubry called Neal a bad word when he left her—and he was sick. I guess she needed to be carried by Neal since she felt rejected and scared, but not Michele! Plus, Michele almost won the challenge twice, but she had the bad set of dominoes that stop in the middle. That’s not fair. It was rigged for Julia and the Bullies!

Michele needs to work with Joe to take out the Bullies. I hope the two of them can do that!

 

There you have them–the “I Hate Bullies” rankings. How would you rank the remaining contestants?

Which casual comments were your favorites this week?

Share your ideas in the comments section below. I promise you won’t end up in next week’s edition by doing so.

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