Big Brother

Baker’s Dozen: Thoughts on Shane’s Reign as HOH

Andy BakerThe following is a guest post from Rob Has a Website Contributor, Andy Baker

 

Time to play Monday Morning Quarterback!

1) As predicted, Shane’s reign over the BB house has been catastrophically boring. Honestly, the Coaches can’t come into the game fast enough – they’re the only hope to salvage what has proven to be an overall lackluster cast. Here’s the thing: I think we’re still witnessing the devastation of Hurricane Willie. Many of these houseguests could have played interesting games, but sadly, they’re avoiding controversy and conflict, lest they be labeled another Hantz. Everyone feels the need to be nice – but nice is boring! I hate boring! STOP BEING BORING! Ah, forget it. Someone wake me up when the Coaches are back in the game.

2) So, Ashley and Joe are on the block… zzzzzzzzzz. Ashley will cry a lot, Joe will yell a lot, back-dooring Frank will be brought up a lot. In the end, none of it matters. The Coaches are coming, the Coaches are coming! One if by land, two if by CBS.

3) Unintentional comedy highlight of the week: Did you see how furious Danielle was when Shane didn’t pull her key out first? THAT WAS AWESOME. I prefer angry Danielle over sweet, delusional Danielle, for two reasons… one, her smile creeps me out (it curves up at the corners like the Joker), and two, an angry Danielle = she gonna go CRAY CRAY.

4) Have to say, I’m proud of Shane for sticking to his guns and refusing to nominate Frank. It’s his best move, really; as long as Frank is in the game, the two of them can work together, and Frank remains the bigger threat. I don’t think there are many layers to Shane’s strategic thinking, but he has to know that when two Coaches are telling you to target a power player, it’s because they want you to do their dirty work for them. If they want Frank gone, let them do it on their own watch.

5) Have we ever seen the Voice of Big Brother interrupt a major strategy session before? That felt really off to me – the producers can’t wait for Shane, Britney, Boogie, and Frank to finish their conversation? I wonder – were we glimpsing the hand of God (remember, you can’t spell Grodner without God)?

6) I love how the strategy conversations keep rotating between the two available options: “Nominate one player from two different teams – that way, they have to fight with one another, and both Coaches will have to try to make deals with you!” and “No, nominate two players from one team – that way, you make fewer enemies, and a member of that team is virtually guaranteed to go home!” Clashing philosophies, and yet I think all four Coaches have spouted each of these strategies at one time or another over the past three weeks. So which is better? Apparently, both.

7) I don’t know about what goes on in your bedroom, but it seems to me that the designers of the Coaches Challenge got the order of events wrong. Thrusting, swaying, and then licking? Who does it that way? I mean, shouldn’t it be sway, lick, then thrust? Or maybe I’m misreading this whole thing, and that competition wasn’t supposed to be sexual. Yeah, that must be it.

8) Can’t say I’m surprised that Boogie kept the $6k for himself… but is it EVER wise in a competitive-cooperative game to keep the money when you have a choice? Sure, it’s a short-term gain, but Boogie has to assume he’s returning to the game as a player – and how better to earn some goodwill than with some greenbacks? I’m giving $6k to Jenn, $3k to Ian, and $1k to Grodner and hoping that I’ve just purchased some loyalty. Seems like the better play to me.

9) I feel so much better about watching Big Brother now that I know Jenn has eradicated Danielle’s fear and prejudice about lesbianism. Okay, that’s a lie. This week’s “How to Improve Big Brother” suggestion: lose the sanctimonious segments. KAPOW! BB is now 16% better.

10) A few things I’d like to vote out of the house: Shane’s hair, Boogie’s plaid-fringed flowerpot hat, Wil in banana-hammock underwear, horribly scripted diary room speeches, and Ian’s slop martyrdom. Enough already.

11) Fortunes rising: At long last, Dan has found his inner Renegade! He remembered one of the BB Commandments when he picked the Coaches to join him for his sushi party: Thou shalt not give houseguests an opportunity to conspire against you. Even better was how well he sold the cover story: “Coaches take care of other Coaches” –
brilliant! More importantly, I think everyone bought it.

12) Fortunes falling: JOE, IT IS TIME FOR YOU AND THAT HAMSTER ON YOUR CHIN TO LEAVE. REMEMBER, BREAKFAST IN BED IS ONLY AWESOME WHEN IT’S DELIVERED BY YOUR KIDS OR SOMEONE YOU WANT FOR DESSERT. BYE!

13) Prediction time: Unless Joe wins the veto, he’s going home. And I just can’t picture him winning any of the typical BB competitions, can you? Which is a shame, since there are a lot of interesting replacement nominee scenarios. But it ain’t gonna happen… so sorry, Joe, you gotta go.

That’s it for this edition of The Baker’s Dozen – see ya Friday, when I weigh in on how everyone reacts to the SHOCKING news that the Coaches are now players!

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