Welcome to the new season of Glass House, of Big Brother 15! (Seriously I’m pretty sure the creator of Glass House is buried in a field somewhere next to Jimmy Hoffa on orders from Julie Chen.) Anyway, the show starts with America being greeted by Julie Chen, who I wish would come on to the stage to Vince McMahon’s WWE Theme Song, “No Chance.” I digress. Right off the bat, America is told that it has a big part to play in the game. Cant wait to see what this will be!
We then meet the cast in the always riveting, highly produced “Hype” promos. Here are some highlights:
• We meet Nick from New York. Always gotta love the clip of a new house guest being introduced to America by jumping rope on top a building in a neon green tank top like it’s super normal and casual. Did Big Brother just re-cast Regan from Big Brother 12 and just rename him Andy the college professor in public speaking to try and fool us?
• We meet Jeff Spicoli A.K.A. David the Surfer from San Diego.
• … and preppy Jeremy. I think we have a reboot in the works of the immortal TV show My Two Dads with Jeremy and David on our hands here !
• We meet McCrae, the long haired houseguest who doesn’t aspire to be anybody but “the best damn pizza delivery man there has ever been.”
God bless him.
• Between the young and attractive Ginamarie and Aaryn, who do we think has more Instagram selfies posing in bathrooms like they’re doing cover shoots for Vogue?
• I’m sorry, but the name “Judd” in reality TV has been ruined since Judd from The Real World San Francisco. If your name is Judd and you’re in a reality show, chances are you’re corny and unlikeable. Still, this Judd may break the Judd Curse.
• In case you didn’t know—she told us nine times— Ginamarie is from Staten Island. We meet the rest of the cast with a surprise guest to be revealed… actually, it’s not a surprise at all, as we all have known for the last 10 days that Rachel Reilly’s sister Elissa is the surprise houseguest. Apparently history will not repeat itself, as it looks like we will not have a Brendon for Elissa, as she is married.
The houseguest gets sprung into the house. Jessie the brunette from Texas throws down the gauntlet, stating that she thinks she is the hottest girl in the house. Yeah, actually, maybe. Following the script of every other BB season, the houseguests awkwardly meet each other in the living room. The champagne starts flowing!
Sorry! Just had a stroke, as David the surfer made his formal introduction to a horrified rest of the house. Have we ever had somebody come into the house this blatantly stoned before? Nick from New York and Amanda from Florida instantly have the Boris and Natasha showmance vibe going on as they eye each other intently. This could go somewhere!
Helen the political operative seems the most reserved out of the group. Last highlight: Elissa introduces herself and chooses not to reveal her bloodlines to the rest of the house.
We get the first early-season-doomed-to-fail-
Next, Jessie tries to form an alliance with Spicoli David and Jeremy. Actually, the “My Two Dads” scenario might become a reality!
Ah, the first twist of the season: Julie informs the house that there will be three nominees a week. I hope this season is not going the BB Canada route, with horrific twist after twist that destroys the season! Nick sends us to commercial with hypnotic, overaggressive talking with his right hand.
First HOH Comp of the summer. We get giant lips and popsicles (standard). Every contestant is supposed to hang for their lives on the overgrown summer treats. Last person hanging wins. Judd is the first one to fall off, but also figures out that Elissa is the sister of Rachel. Judd might be smarter than he’s letting on.
Howard throws the competition less convincingly the the 1919 Black Sox. One by one, the guests start dropping like flies. Julie springs into action to offer the houseguest a “never be a have not pass” potentially for the next two houseguests to drop. Spicoli drops and then promptly chooses the wrong the box. Jeremy then drops and wins the pass. Let’s just say the houseguests weren’t exactly celebrating with Jeremy at that point. It came down to Nick and McCrae, with Nick dropping on purpose as McCrae let us know that he’s not dropping in a slow tone “I’m solid, I’m solid.” So McCrae is our first HOH of the season. Vegas had the odds at 34 to 1, but that’s why you play the game folks.
Julie Chen announces the big twist: That America gets to pick a weekly MVP, who then gets to make the third nomination every week. This person will be a secret week-to-week. The person who gets nominated by the secret assassin finds out before the veto competition every episode. The houseguests look skeptical as we get cutaway shots from different houseguests, telling the viewers that “the game is on!”
Finally, this week’s episode ends. And now we can all go to our newly suscribed Showtime channels for Big Brother After Dark…
Wait, what, Julie? What the hell is the TV Guide Channel? Great. Now what can we watch late night on Showtime?
Actually, good night!