The following is a guest post about Big Brother 14 (and Seinfeld) from Rob Has a Website Contributor and Legendary Live Tweeter, @TheeSoopNazee
“Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake!”
“I hate the Drake!”
-Exchange between Jerry and Elaine in The Handicap Spot
Just like The Drake, The Hantz love wasn’t meant to last as Willie had himself removed from the house, without even playing PoV. However, I do not blame Willie for this, I blame myself. You see, I think this blog is flawwwwweddd (well, cursed, let’s go with cursed). Of the three blogs I’ve written, two of them have had individual photos on the Promo Pic. The first came in my preseason blog, where Kara was featured. She went home that week. After having all of the hamsters in the boiling bot in my second blog, Willie Hantz was featured the next week. He went home that day. Watch out Madden, there’s a new curse in town! #SoopCurse
The big news, and in fact the only news in the Big Brother house this week, was of The Head-butt. Willie Hantz channelled Crazy Joe Devolla and went after Joe and Janelle, although he wasn’t wearing clown paint and signing Pavarotti. For those of you who do not watch the feeds, the feeling is that this was a much bigger incident than Big Brother is making it out to be. The producers were in a difficult situation here and had to get their “water cooler” moment while not having too much backlash, so they downplayed what could’ve been one of the craziest episodes of all-tiiiimmmme. According to the Houseguests, Joe was actually head-butted four times as pork rinds and obscenities flew at Janelle, and altogether, the feeds were down for about three hours.
As much as I do love The Hantz, Willie turned out to be a huge disappointment, and as Rob mentioned in the Webshow, he basically quit. Willie fell victim to what Evel Dick calls the “HoH Syndrome” as he spent all of his nearly two week stint as HoH in his room, having the other Houseguests fetch each other so that they could have the privilege of speaking to him. When the going got tough, Willie got going and threw in the towel less than 24 hours after he had ended his run as HoH. In fact, he didn’t even bother to wait for nominations (which came that same night and would’ve ended Frank’s HoH run) or play the PoV (a challenge that he would have had just as good a shot as anybody in). However, the worst part of all of this is that we live-feed watchers are deprived of the endless hours of entertainment that he provided, and that my Twitter followers will no longer see the short-lived “TheeLoopNazee Experiment.” #NoLoopsForUs
The New Guy
With my winner pick leaving less than two weeks into the game, I need to hitch my wagon to a new star and move on. As I go through the players left, none of them really scream winner to me. We have Danielle, who’s only real contribution to this season is the joy I get from watching her go from hot to ugly in a matter of moments. Shane is way too big of a target, and while he is playing a good game, he will inevitably go home. I don’t even know who Jenn is. Joe and Ashley have no business winning, let alone being, in the game as Joe is scatterbrained and Ashley is seemingly without a brain (although we’ll discuss that discrepancy later). That leaves Ian, Frank, and Wil. After Ian’s early shtick, he’s actually become incredibly likeable, is being coached by the best coach in the game, and doesn’t stand out as a huge threat. Wil is also flying under the radar and is surprisingly quite athletic, but a (confirmed) gay guy has never won Big Brother, and I think as time goes on that over-the-top eccentricity will come out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That leaves Frank, the person I said was my choice for first boot of the season, and he almost was. But, like Coach, I’ve done a complete 180 on Frank. I think he’s likeable, strong, knows the game, and most importantly, when things get tough, he’s able to keep calm. So with that in mind, Frank, the “straight talking motherf***er” is my new pick to win! (Disclaimer: I fully expect Coaches to enter the game, and for Janelle to win, but as that has not happened yet, I’ll go with a newbie.)
The Bizarro Edit
The other noteworthy part of this week was Ashley’s edit. Now, based off of watching the live feeds, I don’t think Ashley is as dumb as they’re making her out to be. Nobody is that dumb. For whatever reason, we got a lot of Ashley this week, from the Slop Date with Ian (that actually happened last week) to the description of her perfect man; someone who likes to eat, sleep, and thinks she’s hot. Good news Ashley, I fit the bill! Also of note was Ashley’s preference for businessmen, after it came out in the media that she cost her last “businessman” boyfriend $800,000. The good news for Ashley is if she wanted to date me, I wouldn’t have the money to hire a lawyer to sue her! Soup for me!
In all seriousness, Ashley is getting a terrible edit. The producers likely want her to be a Jordan type ditz that people fall in love with, so they only show her “blonde moments.” In reality, Ashley is actually playing a good game. Last week, the producers neglected to show us that it was Ashley who was in control of the vote and played a pivotal role in deciding who went home. She played both sides of the house, and both sides ate it up. When it came out that she lied to nearly half the house, no one cared. She also knew well enough, based on her Diary Room Confessional, that it was in fact better for her game if Frank stayed because Frank would be a target, and as long as he’s in the house, no one’s looking at her as a nomination. A job well done for the ditz! Soup for Ashley!
The Notes About Nothing
- Frank and Boogie tried to channel the Chilltown “Riiiing, Riiing” DRs. This is 2012, the least they could’ve done was started with “Siri, start FaceTime with Mike Boogie.”
- Danielle had to ask if the baby in Boogie’s picture, the one wearing a Team Boogie shirt, was him when he was a child, because obviously he was born with that shirt. Good draft Dan, good draft.
- The TwoFace watch continues as Danielle looks doable in her powdered on, Joe Devolla’s Pavarotti-like makeup, and then completely terrifying in every other shot. This is the most fascinating thing about her.
- On the Boogie front, he displayed why he is a Challenge God as he jumped off the beam before actually winning the challenge. Any questions?!
- Janelle continued to celebrate the fact that she is a challenge queen, despite the fact that she basically came in third and won by default in the Coaches’ Comp.
- During the Slop Date, I really think it would’ve been a good idea for Ian to ask Ashley is she played any high school sports. I hear this is THE question to ask. Sometimes twice.
- This week also introduced three shirts that make Jerry’s Puffy Shirt look good. Frank has his “Julie Chen is My Homegirl” shirt and Shane has some god-awful pink muscle shirt. Boogie, of all people, redeemed these fashion faux paus with a “Big Brother Belichick” shirt, so Soup for Him!
- Cereal and Salmon was a food choice this week, so you can eat your ****ing FrootLoops, I’m not worried! #NoLoopsForYou
- Despite what you saw on the show, there are no showmances. The only moments that would make it appear like there were are the moments you saw, that’s it. No Soup for the producers!
- Dr. Will’s jampacked interview, where he called Dan a Kermit/Seacrest spawn, theorized about the gravitational pull of boobies, did a coaching impression, made a winner pick, and made a phone call to Boogie, was too good to even write a blog about. That five minutes was definitely SoupWorthy, maybe even sponge-worthy (again, not that there’s anything wrong with that!)
The Sein: Awarded to the player who placed their order just right, this week’s Sein goes to Shane, who kept calm and vetoed on, winning his second PoV of the season. But Shane’s most SoupWorthy moment came when he successfully negotiated a deal with Frank and Boogie, and, imagine this, did NOT immediately report it to his team. I like that Shane is the first person to really throw away the team aspect of this season and play for himself. What does he care if Jojo goes home? He doesn’t get any more money if she’s sitting next to him in the finals, and why should he care about Britney’s financial gain? By going out on his own, Shane has put himself in a great position as he’s close with Danielle and can play the swing vote in the inevitable war between Team Boogie and Team Janelle. Honorable mentions go out to Boogie, despite his noted shortcomings, and Frank. Soup for You!
The Costanza: “Awarded” to the player who couldn’t get their order just right, goes to Dan. I was going to give Britney her second ever Costanza because of her complete and utter failure to put an end to the Willie saga, instead opting to tell him not to talk to her or her team and basically calling him a screw-up. She’s definitely the worst coach I’ve seen since Bobby Petrino. Despite the fact that Britney was terrible, Dan continues to shine in Coaching Incompetence. Not only did he once again throw a challenge to appear weaker while he can’t possibly be voted out and everybody knows what he’s doing, he also made a grave error. As Dr. Will noted, he picked with his penis, but he seemingly has no idea how to motivate women. Dan’s “tough love” strategy is probably incredibly effective on teenage boys playing football. Teenage boys get mad, and learn to channel that anger into the game. Danielle is not a teenage boy. Dan’s “tough love” approach to Danielle basically involved telling her she’s on her own, to which she responded by breaking down and crying for over two hours. Later, Danielle, someone who has failed to integrate with the other girls (on the feeds, some of them have referred to her as a “clinger” and talked about her awkwardness), was actually doing a good job with some of the girls in the hot tub as they shared alcohol. Dan put an end to Danielle’s social integration. No Soup for You Dan!
This week certainly calmed down after Willie was expelled from the house, but I have high hopes moving forward. When the Coaches do enter the game this time next week, there’s going to be cause for drama in the house, and if this week is any indication, that’s a net gain for us.
I’m happy that Shane won HoH, because it’s basically the only shot we have at stirring things up here. If I were Shane, I’d stay loyal to Frank/Team Boogie and target Wil. If you get Wil out, there’s really nowhere for Team Janelle to go. There HoH hopes will rest in Joe and Ashley, which aren’t the greatest of odds. Shane also needs Frank to stay in the house for target purposes, as there are only, minus the Coaches, two athletic men in the house, and one of them has one three challenges already.
Be sure to follow me on Twitter @TheeSoopNazee and check out the other Big Brother blog from Andy Baker, also known as @GetOnSurvivor on Twitter. Until next time, Soup for You!