Bachelor in Paradise

Bachelor in Paradise Week 5 – When ABC considered firing Harrison for Money

Happy Labor Day weekend! Hope everyone had a good one. I spent my weekend dusting the action figures in my man cave (that is NOT an oxymoron), going to the movies to watch “Guardians of the Galaxy” a second time and attending a fantasy football draft (I took Peyton Manning with my first pick because I’m a homer). In other words – I was doing anything but laboring.

 

On a programming note, Rob and I will be doing a New Fall TV Show podcast in the next couple of weeks. If you’re wondering what new programs are going to be worth your time this fall, you’ll certainly want to give it a listen.

 

Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to this week’s episode.

 

7:03 – Only three minutes in and Wet Blanket Sarah is already unleashing her judgmental wrath, post-rose ceremony:

 

– “I’m completely shocked to see Lucy go home, especially because Jesse and Christy just seem to be drunk the whole time so I’m not sure what the connection is.”

– “I don’t think Jesse is here to fall in love at all. I think Jesse is here for free booze and to hook up with chicks.”

 

Uh, so what?!? It’s called “Bachelor in Paradise,” not “Find a Spouse Or ABC Kills You.” I’m selling all my Sarah stock. Anyone interested? I’ll sell it for 20 cents on the dollar.

 

7:04 – Grandma Money, in a one-on-one, just let viewers know that Cody told her he was in love with her right before the rose ceremony. That’s absurd. First of all, even though this show has been on for five weeks, these people have not been in paradise that long. I have it on good authority (my brother, who looked it up) that these single Bach vets have only been out there for about 10 days total. This means Jesse’s been with Money for 2 days and Cody’s been out there for about 3.

 

No one falls in love that fast except Shakespeare characters. And then you have to die at the end of the show. I’d keep an eye on Cody and AshLeeeeeee and make sure they’re not spiking any punch with poison in the final episode.

 

7:07 – Lacy and Marcus have a date. When they get their date card Sarah says they’re probably going to get married and have really tan babies. My disdain for Wet Blanket Sarah, who clearly can’t tell that this super-boring couple are just white people, grows exponentially.

 

7:15 – Meanwhile, back at the hacienda, Grandma Money is talking to Jesse about her Code Stage 5 Clinger problem. Money tells him that she can’t even remember Cody’s last name!

 

And now Michelle is crying because she’s comparing her relationship with Cody to Lacy and Marcus. Why can’t she have that! Money’s TV relationship isn’t as interesting as Lacy and Marcus’s TV relationship? I feel so sad for her.

 

7:22 – Time for some fresh meat! Bad Hair Brooks has just showed up. Wet Blanket Sarah, who just moments ago was sucking face with Robert, is suddenly “freaking out” because she has a big crush on Brooks. Of course, crushes are nothing new for Sarah. She also had a crush on Marcus and Zack and Graham and Dylan.

 

7:23 – I just looked up the cast list and it looks like Tasos is the only person we haven’t met yet. I’m rooting for the guy (he’s from Colorado) but if he shows up in the next 30 minutes who is he possibly going to land? Money? That’s really his only option. If you’re on this show you want to get there early. Even Brooks has a pretty poor chance of sticking around, though Sarah is eye humping him while Robert has his arms around her.

 

7:24 – Says Hypocrite Sarah, “I really want him to ask me on the date.” Meanwhile, says Robert about Sarah to Brooks, “If you ask Sarah out I’ll kill you.” Looking at Robert, I’d take that challenge. Pretty sure I could yell “Boo!” at Robert and he’d run the other way.

 

7:26 – And Wet Blanket Sarah is crying for the 343rd time this season for no legit reason. At this point Sarah has shed enough tears to fill a Sea World aquarium.

 

7:27 – Brooks asks Jackie to go on his date. This makes Wet Blanket Sarah angry because she wants to trade up from one goofy looking white guy to another goofy, slightly taller white guy.

 

7:33 – Brooks speaks Spanish! …which impresses Jackie. The lesson fellas? Buy Rosetta Stone and ladies will find you attractive.

 

7:36 – Jackie and Brooks are playing foosball, which is the most real thing I’ve seen on a date this season. I’m not a very good foosball player, but if I played bubble hockey or air hockey I’d crush my date and not feel bad about it.

 

7:47 – Wet Blanket Sarah, preparing to dump Robert like a sack of potatoes so she can kick the tires on Brooks, finds a note on her bed. It’s from Robert and he’s set up a romantic beach blanket. This melts the Sarah’s judgmental heart and now she feels like she should give Robert a real opportunity. Meanwhile as Robert is watching this live he’s pissed that she almost dropped him like a bad habit and had no clue.

 

7:50 – Money and Cody are chatting on the beach. After talking big to Jesse and deciding that she needs to dump him because he’s too aggressive, she changes her mind. What’s going on here?!? We need more relationship jumping! People sticking with whom they’re with is NOT good TV.

 

7:51 – Guess what! They’re casting for Farmer Chris’s season of “The Bachelor” and I think you should apply. No, seriously you really should apply. Go to Abc.com/casting and maybe we can watch YOU cry on national TV. It’s a win-win for everybody.

 

7:56 – Finally some dirt! Grandma Money, whom you should NEVER confide in, is telling Christy all about what Jesse is telling the other guys. According to Money, Lucy was feeling Jesse up on the ride home from their date. Yep, he got a handy. Christy finally realizes that Jesse’s a d-bag, something the rest of America could tell just by looking at him.

 

Oh, and by the way, good job being a rat Graham! The “guys” are saying this stuff about Jesse? You mean Graham. I dislike d-bags as much as anyone but you don’t throw another dude under the bus. And if you do, be straight and talk to the girl, not your representative.

 

7:58 – And here comes Tasos, who Jesse calls “Tacos.” Ugh, not only is Jesse a d-bag but he’s also a racist. Christy now has an out and I hope she takes it.

 

8:00 – Tasos asks Christy on a date, Christy says yes. After her dating history, which seemingly only consists of d-bags, I think Christy is in for a bit of a shock with Tasos. Can Christy possibly date a nice guy? I say the odds are 50/50.

 

8:08 – The differences in the Jesse/Christy date and the Tasos/Christy date are significant. Jesse and Christy went bar hopping. Tasos and Christy went down a lazy river and had a picnic lunch. Gee, who’s the nice guy and who’s the d-bag?

 

8:09 – Meanwhile back at the hacienda, the rest of the gang are goofing around. Some guys are playing football, Zack is working on his 6th tan layer and Wet Blanket Sarah and Robert are playing beanbag toss. This leads to Sarah, after missing her target to say, “I’ve got the worst arm ever.”  Must not make. Insensitive joke. About one-armed woman.

 

8:12 – AshLeeeeeee gets upset that Graham didn’t get the last date card (Zack got it). Can this woman be any more transparent?

 

8:13 – As Transparent AshLeeeeee continues to stick her foot in her mouth, Grandma Money is narrating the whole thing. Why do we need Chris Harrison? ABC should just fire CHarr and put Money in charge. She could be like an MLB player/coach. I guarantee (not a real guarantee) that we’ve seen less than 5 minutes of Chris Harrison this entire season. Cut his salary in half, fire him and give it to Money. She’s earned it.

 

8:19 – Zack and Jackie are on their date. They go to the exact same place that Lacy and Marcus went. Yo, ABC producers – if you’re going to use the same locale, at least do it on different episodes. Reality show fans have short memories but not that short.

 

8:28 – Final cocktail party time. I’m thinking Jesse and Brooks are going home.

 

8:30 – Oh my goodness! Chris “The Unicorn” Harrison is here! Well, it’s either him or actor George Hamilton, I can’t tell because whoever’s talking is so tan they’re blinding the camera.

 

8:33 – Brooks and Zack are both working over Jackie. Personally I hope she picks Brooks. He seems to have a sense of humor. Zack is about as deep as a kiddie pool. That and if I’m Jackie I’m constantly thinking about the time Zack ocean coitused Clare, because you know he did.

 

8:35 – Jesse’s continuing to impress BiP viewers. Concerned he won’t get a rose from Christy he says, “I’m not here to start a relationship with a dumb blonde but Christy has a rose and it’s going to come between Tasos and myself and I want to get a rose.”

 

8:37 – Jesse, realizing he’s not going to get a rose from Christy, decides he’s going to leave. But before leaving he guilt trips Christy into thinking she didn’t open up to him. This is something Grandma Money will NOT let stand.

 

8:44 – Confrontation time! Just when Jesse thinks he’ll escape, Christy confronts him while he’s sitting in his exit ride. Backed up by Lacy and Money, Christy calls him out and makes him look like an ass on national TV. While I’m all about a guy being a d-bag if he wants to be a d-bag, it’s nice to see Jesse get his comeuppance.

 

8:46 – Here comes Lacy and Money. It’s a 3-way Jesse doesn’t want. I appreciate the ladies’ effort but it’s falling on deaf ears. Does anyone really think this will change Jesse at all? The best thing that can come out of this is the women of America realizing what kind of guy he is.

 

8:49 – The d-baggery continues for Jesse, “I guarantee as soon as I get home I’m going to have 16 emails with names and number and email addresses with invitations to parties and invitations to festivals. The party will continue and they’ll probably cheer me tonight. When this is all said and done I’m sure we’ll all hang out and have a blast.” Are there d-bag festivals? Is that a thing?

 

8:54 – Rose ceremony time. The only thing left is for Jackie to pick a dudebro.

 

8:58 – And Zack gets Jackie’s rose. Maybe Brooks can get back on the show through the Last Chance Kitchen.

 

Final thoughts – How the heck has Graham been here so long? He’s got to be using AshLeeeeee just so he can have a long vacation, right?…Jackie is beautiful but has weird shaped boobs. There, I said it and now we can all move on…What is Chris Harrison doing during his off time? Aside from working on his tan? I really want to know…The people on this show are SO tan they’re beginning to turn orange, like someone from “The Jersey Shore,” or Garfield…Tough to tell what happens in next week’s finale by the preview but I’m hoping some ex’s show up. That would be cool.

 

See you all next week!

 

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