Celebrity Apprentice 2013

Abandoning the Mechanical Dog

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05/01/13 –

Week 9 MVP: Gary Busey

If you came here to read about Penn, Lisa, Trace, Marilu, Lil Jon, or Donald Trump, you’re out of luck.  Gary Busey was fired (Forced Into Retirement Early Dammit!) in what was one his greatest episodes ever.  Not only is he the MVP this week, he is by far the most valuable player of the season.  He definitely went out with a mechanical bang.  YAY!

Foot on the Gas

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Without Gary we are left with Lisa and Penn

While some of his fellow contestants would think about trivial things such as winning the task and raising money, Gary seemed to be very concerned with farts this season.  This is, of course, for good reason.  Without Gary, we would have no idea about the dangers of shark farts.  We’re told from a young age to watch out for their teeth, but only the ‘Angel in an Earthsuit’ thought to warn us about such a harmful gas.  Human farts aren’t nearly as dangerous, and Gary brought to light the comedy in such occurrences a few episodes ago with Lisa in the van.  Though it’s possible that she was actually not farting, but making noises against the leather seats, Gary compared it to a ‘symphony of farting trombones’.  Only Gary Busey can describe farts with such elegance.

Gary told his actors “if you have to fart, fart quick, but keep your energy up.”  This is advice that we can all learn from.  It is inevitable that we will fart, but we can’t let it get in the way of our daily activities.  Unless we’re talking about deadly shark farts, these gas releases shouldn’t slow us down.

Neologisms

Greg ‘Tarzan’ Smith from Survivor: One World once taught us that a neologism is a made-up word used to describe something.  Gary used two neologisms in this episode.

1. Confrentate: While words such as confront and confrontational exist, these aren’t good enough for Busey.  He had to create a whole new word to describe Lisa’s actions towards him during the task.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this word enters the dictionary in a few years.

2. Critcizical: This one is even better.  I just used spell-check and no spelling suggestions were found.

Dogs and Cats and Salmon, Oh My!

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Gary`s mechanical dog portrayal was by far the best part of either teams` videos.

Gary’s mechanical dog portrayal was by far the best part of either of the teams’ videos.  While it had nothing to do with the products, and yes, he did look like he was throwing up, it was way better than Marilu’s 79th commercial.  Who cares about her and her fake son?  Anytime Busey endorses a product by playing a crazy part in a nonsensical skit, I think people are way more likely to buy that product.  I just wish that Penn didn’t reel Gary back when he wanted to hump the coffee table.  And as for LG, I’m selling my stock in them.  Sponsoring the Celebrity Apprentice is really a terrible sign for their company.  No wonder their executive seemed so joyless.

Gary’s fart-talk was not the only advice he gave in this episode.  He taught us that the best way to scare someone is by pretending to be a cat and jumping out at them when they walk through the door.  Some people have Confucius, but I have Gary Busey.  If the wise man Gary says it, it must be true.

He also felt like a cat coming out of the closet on Halloween.  I guess that October 31st is a popular day for cats to make their sexual orientation known, which is potentially something Busey learned on his trip to South Africa.

At one point Gary said that he felt like a salmon swimming upstream.  I wonder if he meant a mechanical salmon.

I Would Walk 5,000 Miles

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Gary Busey is 5,000 miles past heaven.

For the 5,000th time, Gary Busey said that he is 5,000 miles past heaven.  I can assume that this means how far from reality he is which probably has something to do with his two out of body experiences.  Although the medicine man told him that he wouldn’t find his way back to his body if he went to far away, Gary must not have listened.  His level of extraterrestrialism (another neologism) is matched on reality TV only by Matthew von Ertfelda, who still hasn’t returned to the planet he came from.  This earned Gary the alien music throughout the episode.

He said that the LG phone is like going to another planet without instructions.  I guess that’s what happened when Gary came to planet Earth.  Luckily, he has angelic support.

Gary Busey has been the star of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice, and we’re all gonna miss him next week.  Not even Lil Jon Sielberg could have directed a better performance.  Knowing Trump, I’m sure Gary will be back for the finale “helping” one of the finalists with their task.  Until then, I leave you with this Busey quote:

“You’re given the ingredients to make a cake, some of the ingredients refuse to come into the cake, you won’t have a good cake.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

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